The Gift

Part 5

by Jana

“I’ll help Nick,” Jarrod added, helping him to unharness both horses.  Nick, in turn, put the buggy away, while Jarrod moved on to replacing the gear, after he had led both horses to their stalls.   

Nick, giving the horses a good brushing, turned to Jarrod and said, “So where did you hide the saddle and the dresser?” 

“Where would you get the idea you were getting either of those things?” Jarrod replied. 

“I’m not often disappointed in Christmas,” Nick responded happily. 

“Then brother, this may be the year you have to be polite and say thank you, for all the handkerchiefs your getting instead.  I saw Audra, late last night, still adding N’s to a few.” 

“Of all the.......” Nick started, when Jarrod, grinning clasped his shoulder and said, “Lets go in.  I’m ready for the hot chocolate, and bed.” 

“I couldn’t agree more,” Nick responded as the two dark haired brothers headed in to join Victoria and Audra in a warm cup of hot chocolate before bedtime. 

“Mass was lovely, wasn’t it?” Victoria asked, after everyone had gathered. 

“Yes Mother, it was.  Audra, you should be proud of your piano playing as well.  I know how much practice you put into it.” Jarrod said. 

“Hear. Hear!” Nick called.  “To Audra and Christmas carols,” he said, lifting his cup high in the air in a toast. 

As Audra blushed, a chorus of hear, hears rang out, then each one wished the others a good night and went to bed. 

It was about this time that sleep finally caught up with Heath as well. 

Heath awoke cold, and stiffly got out of bed, to stir the fire back to life, while the Barkley household rose from warm, comfortable beds, covered by extra blankets and warm, heavy spreads. 

Heath heated up his second can of beans, and drank from his warmed up pot of coffee.  The Barkleys dressed and headed downstairs to a breakfast of coffee, sausage, eggs, bacon, and waffles, which Victoria had hurriedly thrown together. 

Heath played solitaire. 

“I can’t wait to have you open the gifts, Mother.  I think you will all be happy with what I picked for you this year,” Audra said, as breakfast was ending. 

“If you will quit talking, we could get to them sooner,” Nick bounced back. 

“I can talk if I want to, can’t I Jarrod?” 

“It would seem she does have that right, Nick,” he replied. 

“You stay out of this Pappy!  Were wasting time.  There are stockings to open.”  With that Nick, pushed back his chair, and moved to the parlor, where the stockings hung and the packages were piled.  “Now who’s first?” he called, when he suddenly realized no one had followed him.  Stepping back into the dining room, he saw that everyone looked very smug.  Mother was still finishing her coffee, and Jarrod had taken another two slices of sausage.  “I thought we were going to pass out the stockings. 

“Patience, Nick,” Victoria said smiling.  “We have all day, and ever since you were four years old, its been the same.  Hurry.  Hurry.  Hurry.  This year, you can wait until I’m ready.” 

“Uhn.....he responded, reseating himself and glaring at his families smiling faces. 

Deliberately making Nick sit still another five minutes, while watching his temper escalate, Victoria finally said, “Now lets go to the parlor and begin Christmas.” 

“It’s about time,” Nick said, as Jarrod urbanely replied, “Certainly, Mother,” as he moved to pull back her chair.  “May I escort you?” 

“Yes, of course, Jarrod.  Shall we?” 

“Audra?” he said offering her his other arm. 

“Thank you Jarrod.  Its nice to see some of us still have manners,” she said, ensuring Nicks anger would rise another notch. 

Walking behind the group, Nick hurled himself into his usual chair and crossing his arms, said nothing. 

“Not very becoming on Christmas,” Jarrod goaded, as Victoria moved to Nick’s side and whispered, “I love how caught up you get in Christmas.  It reminds me of your father.  Have I told you that every Christmas morning he would pull me out of bed and try to hurry me along, just like you do.  It was easier then, since you children were as eager as he was, but you and he vied for the most anxious every year.” 

Smiling, his mood forgotten, Nick boomed, “Well what are we waiting for?  I’ll get the stockings.”  Moving to the fireplace, he removed the heavily laden stockings from the pegs, beginning with Victoria’s and working his way down towards Audra’s, handing them out one at a time.  When he got to Heath’s he started to say that it was a shame to just leave it hanging there, but not knowing what else to do, he remained silent, and handed Audra hers.  “Okay, everyone.  Go!” Nick shouted, holding his stocking upside down, and watching as everything spilled to the ground in a huge heap between his legs. 

The other members of the family were systematically reaching in and removing one item, studying it, then reaching for the next one. 

Nick was pawing his way through his stack, each gift being pushed aside for the next.  Anyone could see that he delighted in the smaller gifts, and relished having them displayed before him, unwrapped.  “Would you look at this.  Father Christmas brought me some fishing hooks, spurs, and marzipan, along with more candies and nuts than I will ever be able to eat.” 

“I think the bottle of perfume and my new hair barrette are my favorites,” Audra exclaimed happily, while Victoria commented, “This pin is lovely as are these lace handkerchiefs.” 

“Jarrod, what did you get?” Audra questioned. 

“More than I would have expected,” he answered truthfully, adding, “But my favorites are my new pen, this Whitman book, and the pocket watch.” 

“Looks like once again the stockings were well filled.  We will be eating candy and nuts for days, but now it’s time to move on to the presents, I think,” Victoria remarked, laying a hand on Nick’s shoulder as she moved to the other side of the room, and the piles of gifts stacked in the corner. 

“Coming, Mother, as soon as I start my present pile,” Audra said, as Jarrod added “I’m almost ready as well.” 

“Well I’m ready,” Nick said.  “When you get here why don’t you do the honors Jarrod?” 

“Fine.  I see a lovely present here, and the tag says it’s for Audra from Nick,” he read, handing her the box. 

“For me?” she said gleefully taking the package from his outstretched hands.  As she unwrapped it, Nick bent forward expectantly, and wasn’t disappointed when she pulled out a gorgeous royal blue gown.  Holding it up to her, and twirling, she exclaimed, “Oh Nick, it is the most beautiful dress I have ever owned.  I have no place to wear anything this fancy.  

As she was floating on cloud nine, Jarrod said, “Maybe my gift to you will remedy that situation.” and he handed her a small box. 

Still giddy over the quality of the dress, she accepted Jarrod’s offering and cried upon opening it.  “I feel like a princess.  Jarrod, opera glasses, tickets to the San Francisco opera, and dinner with you, is more than I ever dreamed of.  I never thought you’d take me.  San Francisco.  I’ve always wanted to spend the night in the city.  Oh thank you.” she said, crushing him in a hug.   

“It’s time Audra.  You’re really growing up,” he said, smiling that he and Nick had made her so happy.  Mother’s gift would be the crowing glory for the princess, he thought, as he said, “We might as well finish yours, before you crash back to earth, so this is Mother’s to you.” 

Turning to her mother, she sat, and opened her last present.  The creamy pearl necklace, bracelet and matching earring parure,  would be the perfect finishing touch to her new dress, and sophisticated enough for her trip to San Francisco.  Shakily removing the pearls, and holding them to her throat, she heard Victoria say, “Audra, they were my wedding pearls from your father.  I want you to.......” 

“Oh, Mother,” she said crying, the tears streaming down her face, “Nothing could be more wonderful, or mean more to me.” 

Gathering her sobbing daughter in her arms, Victoria muttered, “Happy Christmas darling.” 

Trying to get her emotions back under control, Audra turned watery eyes on each of her family members, and said, “I have never felt more loved.  Thank you all, and Nick,  I take back what I said about you forgetting gifts sometimes.” 

“Not to worry, Sis.” he laughed.  “Now who’s next, Jarrod?” 

“I think I’ll open one next, Nick.  Lets try this one from you.” 

“Now Jarrod, you’re going to be so pleased,” Nick began as Jarrod tore into his gift.  “I had these sent all the way from......” 

“Cuba,” Jarrod cut in.  “Cuban cigars.  Nick, this is a real treat.  When Alexander Whitling let me have one of his, it was the best smoke I ever had.” 

“I remembered you saying that, that’s why I got them for you.” 

“Well Nick, I don’t think that I will share them, but I will enjoy them,” he remarked, a full grin covering his face, as Nick sputtered, “Sharing is a good thing to do on Christmas.” 

“We’ll see,” was his last comment on the matter, as he reached for the next box.  “Mother, here is one to you from Audra.” 

As she reached for the box, knowing nothing Audra could give her, could top her birthday gift, she was startled by a knock on the door. 

“Now who would be interrupting our Christmas?” Nick flared, as Victoria laying the package aside, rose and headed to the door followed by her family.  Nothing could have surprised her more than to see George and Edna standing before them, George looking like he would like to disappear, and Edna looking like she was on a mission directly from God. 

“George, Edna,” Victoria began, “Won’t you come in?” 

“That would be wonderful,” Edna answered.  “I hope were not interrupting,” she said as they moved into the parlor and sat down.  “We’ve come to see Heath.  He didn’t come by yesterday to pick up his Christmas gifts to you.” she said, noting that Heath was not with the family, and getting a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. 

“He received a telegram saying he was needed in Strawberry,” Jarrod explained patiently. 

Smacking George, she said, “Didn’t I tell you, that the fool boy wouldn’t wise up?” 

“Now Edna, calm down” George soothed. 

“CALM DOWN!  He’s missing Christmas and it was so important to him, all because he is a fool man and afraid of upsetting people.” 

“Edna, maybe there is another reason........” George continued, then seeing the families blank looks, he shut up. 

Jarrod finally interrupted, as the silence ensued, “Maybe you could explain to us exactly what is amiss?” 

As Edna said, “Well it’s like this,........” Victoria sat up and took note.  Edna, when given the chance to talk, rarely ever stopped, but this time she was talking about Heath.  If anyone knew Heath as well as she did, it was Edna.  What was that Edna had said?   She couldn’t believe she was hearing, what she thought she had.  Surely Edna was mistaken. 

“Edna, would you mind repeating yourself?” she said, as she looked at her families faces, which all seemed to be registering different emotions. 

“Victoria, I just said that George sent that telegram to Heath, at Heath’s request. I just didn’t think he would be foolish enough to go through with it.” 

“Are you telling me that Heath didn’t have an emergency in Strawberry?”  “Why?”  “Jarrod?  Nick?  Audra?”  No answer forthcoming,  she said,  “go on.” 

“Anyway, we thought we should bring down his gifts to you all.  He’s worked so hard on them.  Spent most of the year in our barn, when he wasn’t working for us.  I was just hoping that he was here, not that I expected him to be really.” 

“Am I correct in understanding, there are presents from Heath, that he made, outside on the wagon, that you drove in.  That’s what you have covered by the tarp?” 

“Yes Ma’am” George answered.   “If you’ll just tell us where to put them until he gets back from wherever he went, we’ll do that and let you get back to your Christmas.” 

“I want to see those gifts.”  Victoria stated firmly, recalling Colleen’s ornament. 

“I think you should wait for Heath, Mrs. Barkley,” George said nervously, then added, “Edna!  I told you we should have waited for Heath.   He didn’t want them to know.  Heck, he didn’t want you to know, cause he knew this would happen.” 

“They needed to know George.  We’ve been all over this,” she added, as once again they slipped back into the obviously well discussed opinions of how this issue should be handled, ignoring the fact that they were at another person’s home. 

To Jarrod, it was apparent that George was adamantly against their coming, but that Edna was a force to be reckoned with when she had her mind made up.  He briefly wondered why this was so often the case with women, when he refocused on the scene before him. 

“I agree with George, Victoria.  I say you should wait for Heath, to look at the gifts.” 

Standing, a defiant look on her face, and her posture brooking no interference, Victoria replied sharply, “With or without your approval, I’m going to go look under that tarp.” 

“We’ll all go, Mother,” Nick said, the anger at Heath’s leaving apparent.  

“No we won’t,” she emphatically stated.  “I will, and I alone.”, and with that she marched out the door and around to the side of the wagon, not visible through a window, so no one could watch what she was doing.  All of a sudden, her bravado turned to trepidation, as her hands reached for the corner of the tarp.  Raising a back corner, and peeking in, she saw what she instantly recognized as Nick’s gift.  It was enough.  Her hands shaking, and her throat closing, she dropped the cloth, and just stood there. *Why?  She mentally asked herself over and over.  Why would he leave?  It had been hard.  It had been different, but everyone, Heath included, seemed to be doing so well.  The last week was positively joyful.  To joyful!  In a split second, she knew with a certainty that Edna was correct.  Heath had relaxed.  Heath knew he was leaving.  Why?* Deeply shaken both by the revelations and by what she had just seen, she made an instant decision.  Her family would understand, but they would all have some feelings to work through.  Life until Heath returned would be hell, but she was grateful to Edna. 

Reentering the house she was greeted by five faces.  One sad, one angry, one confused, and two uncomfortable, now that their errand was over. 

“Mother?” Audra questioned. 

“In a minute.  George, would you take the wagon to the back barn?  Nick will guide you.   You can borrow one of our wagons, until we get yours back to you.” 

“I’d be glad to Mrs. Barkley.” George said, moving to the door, thankful to be out of the house and away from all the eyes. 

Nick followed him, almost as if in a trance. 

“Edna,” Victoria said quietly, as she hugged her, “You did the right thing, no matter how hard it was on you and George.  We can now make this right.  Thank you.” 

Hearing the sincerity of her words, Edna quietly responded, “I was certain you would, or I wouldn’t have come.  George was still against it you know,” she added, her perpetually good humor returning. “Send him over, when everything is settled, you know we love him.” 

“Yes I do, and this proves it.” 

As George and Nick returned, Edna said, “Let’s go George, we still have some fruit cake to eat, and as they walked to the door, Edna added, “It’s okay now George.  Victoria is taking care of everything, just like I predicted.” 

“We promised Heath.” 

“Some promises need to be broken, when you love your children,” she responded as the door closed behind them. 

Victoria couldn’t have agreed more with her sentiments. 

Heath played solitaire. 

As the family watched in silence, George and Edna rode away.  It was then that the barrage of questions began. 

“What’s gotten into that boy?” Nick fumed.  “Quiet one minute, laughing the next, he really infuriates me.   I never know what he’s thinking.”  Striding repeatedly back and forth across the room, Nick added, “When he returns, I’ll give him a piece of my mind, and I’ll use my fists to knock it into his head.” 

“Nick!” Victoria admonished, “Let’s go sit down and work this through rationally. 

“Rationally!  Rationally!  There is nothing rational about what he did.”  Nick continued ranting, as he followed his family back to the parlor.   

As Nick’s voice rose, it contrasted sharply with Audra’s tight lipped silence, as she began to withdraw.  Jarrod, sensing her discomfort, sat by her side and quietly held her hand, as once again, her lovely eyes held tears.   

“Why? Jarrod, Mother?” she said so softly, that her question went unheard over Nick’s continued release of pent up anger.  Nick was to keyed up to sit, and continued to pace briskly, but ceased his yelling as Victoria’s second, abruptly spoken, “Nick, enough!” 

Glaring at her, his anger hiding his deep sense of hurt, Victoria knew that something needed to be done.  “This has been a shock, she began, knowing that this was an understatement, but we all need to help each other figure out what to do from here.”  Gathering her thoughts, she began to speak again, when, like a comedy of errors, there was another knock on the front door. 

“Who the hell?” Nick spat, as once again everyone trooped to the door, disbelief etched on all their faces.  The knock, more hesitant this time, came again. 

“I’ll open it, Mother,” Audra said, as if expecting to find the two headed troll from her child hood nightmares waiting for her.  She didn’t think anything could shock her again. 

“Colleen, what are you doing here?” She asked, surprised.  It wasn’t a troll, but she was shocked.  Maybe the troll would have been easier to handle. 

“Merry Christmas, everyone,” Colleen replied happily, looking for Heath.  “I’ve come to see Heath.” 

“Hasn’t everyone?” Nick said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. 

“Maybe this is a bad time. I just wanted to bring him his present.  May I see him?” 

“Colleen,” Victoria said, taking her hand and leading her, along with the rest of the family, to the parlor and indicating a chair. “It seems that Heath has gone off on his own for Christmas.  He isn’t here now, but should be back, in a few days.”  She had almost said home, but the news had her questioning how Heath felt.  Was this home to him?  “It would seem that this is news to you as well.” 

“No, he can’t be gone, he was so excited about spending Christmas with all of you,” Colleen explained. 

“Colleen,” Jarrod asked, “If I may, just how well do you know Heath?”  He questioned, his agile mind flashing back to a lone glove on a picnic blanket. 

Looking boldly at the entire family, and wishing Heath were at her side, she took the bull by the horns, and said, “We’ve been courting regularly since the August social,” then sat back and waited for the questions to begin. 

Stunned silence followed her announcement as Jarrod weighed the situation, and Audra stared at her best friend in shock, wondering how she could have missed this development. 

“That man you keep talking about, and teasing all of us over, the one that is so wonderful, that we don’t believe you anymore, your saying that it’s Heath?”  She said incredulously. 

“Yes.” Colleen blushed. 

“You don’t seem surprised, Mother, Nick,” Jarrod stated in a matter of fact tone, “I know I am.” 

“I’ve known for about two months,” Victoria said, as she placed a hand on Colleen’s shoulder to lend support. 

Nick, smiling, said, “I’ve been sure since October that they were courting.” 

“How did you know?” Colleen questioned Nick. 

“Let’s  skip the details and just leave it at, I am pleased.” 

“Well, now that their secret is out in the open, let’s refocus on why Heath left,” Victoria again steered the conversation to the problem at hand, but not knowing where to begin, she flashed Jarrod a grateful nod, when he said “Let’s examine the facts.”  As every face turned toward him expectantly, he forged ahead.  “We know Heath didn’t have an emergency in Strawberry.  We know that he was thinking of having Christmas with us, since it seems that he made us gifts.  We know that for some reason he chose to avoid Christmas with us.” 

“Avoid is wrong, I think,” Colleen cut in. 

“Okay Colleen, why is avoid the wrong word, it seems fine to me?” Jarrod asked for clarification. 

Firmly, she squared her shoulders, and answered, “Heath would no more want to avoid you than he would want to hurt you.  Avoid implies intentionally leaving for his own purposes.  I’ve never known Heath, short of coming to your ranch, of ever doing something for personal gain.  If he left, it would have been to spare you or help you, but not avoid, no matter how misguided his thinking may be.” 

Admiring her well thought out answer, Jarrod further prompted, “Has he said anything to you?” 

As Colleen reviewed past conversations, she hesitantly said, “I would like to help, but Heath is very private.  He said nothing about leaving, but I’d rather not add to that statement, if, in his way of thinking this is something that he needed to do.” 

“Colleen, Please,” Victoria asked again. 

As Colleen looked at Audra’s pale face, saw both Jarrod’s and Nick’s disguised hurt, and heard Victorias plea, she said, “He occasionally let drop that he feels like an intruder on your traditions.” 

“That’s ridiculous,” Nick stated, as her words hit close to home. “We include him, and we want him here.  He knows that!  Or at least he should!”  

“I hadn’t finished, Nick,” Colleen stated clearly.  “Maybe I should just speak with you Mrs. Barkley.” 

 Jarrod  patiently explained, “I know that you are trying to protect Heath, but we all need to know what he is thinking if we are going to be able to understand him, and in turn help him realize that he didn’t need to run away.” 

“That’s it, Jarrod,” Colleen said, animatedly, “He’s scared, but very good at hiding it.” 

“Afraid of what?” Audra spoke up. 

“Afraid of losing all he needs, and of not belonging,” Jarrod answered for Colleen.  “Heath said as much the other night, and I didn’t put it together.  I might know where he is.  Colleen, would you like to go look with me?” 

I think he’s more frightened of overstepping his bounds, or causing the family some type of hurt.  You may be right Jarrod, but that seems to simple for Heath.” she said, then added,   “Yes, I ‘d love to go with you.  He needs to be found, and I want to see him open my Christmas present.” 

“I’ll check the line shack, where he trained Lightning,” Nick added. 

As they prepared to go, Victoria stopped them momentarily and said, “Whether we find Heath today, or have to wait until he returns, I say we put a hold on Christmas, until he returns, then do it up proper.  The entire family.  Audra, while they go search, you can help me re-wrap the presents, and fill the stockings again.” 

“I agree Mother,” Jarrod stated, as Audra nodded her approval. 

Nick too, nodded, saying, “What’s another few days without presents anyway.  It’s not like I care.”  Then his face once again broke into a boyish grin.  He knew he wasn’t fooling anyone.  Christmas always brought out the child in him, and it was the one time of the year when he didn’t mind. 

Nick left immediately, and began saddling Coco, while thinking of Heath.   Just as quickly, he changed his mind and moved to saddle Lightning instead.  If he found his brother, he would let him know that he cared, by riding the horse Heath had given him.  Heading off at a gallop, Nick fumed and worried endlessly.  If there had been an emergency in Strawberry as the telegram stated, there would be no problem, but as it was, he really didn’t know what he was supposed to feel. 

He was angry at Heath leaving.  Heath could have come and talked to him.  He would clam up every time Nick got anywhere near a sensitive spot, and as far as he was concerned, Heath’s entire life was a sensitive spot.  Like that time they were working on the levees and Heath said that he hadn’t gotten the hang of the family thing yet, then refused to talk anymore. 

He was angry that Heath felt the need to leave.  What had he done, if anything, to make him feel this way?  Silently going over every conversation that he could remember having with his quiet brother, he could find no reason to feel guilty.  Deciding that it wasn’t anything that the family had done, or Heath himself. For that matter, but rather just a difference they needed to work through and straighten out, he absolved himself from all guilt and tried to put himself in Heath’s place.  He had been there since late March.  Almost nine months.   

It had taken them all time to get used to the idea that their father had sired a son out of wedlock, and he had to admit that he probably was the most persistent in punishing Heath for his fathers transgressions, but even from the start, he had admired Heath.  Heath had stood up for himself, worked ceaselessly, was able to handle others, and never expected anyone to do anything he wouldn’t.

Over ranch work they had formed a strong bond, and with time, it grew.  Now he really didn’t know what he would do without Heath in his life.  Like Heath’s stocking today, it felt out of place leaving it there.  Heath was as much a part of the family as his stocking was a part of the necessary mantle piece adornments. 

Sure Christmas had been hard.  Heath wouldn’t talk about what his Christmases had been like, but he was sure that the rigidity and opulence of their season contrasted sharply with Heaths, yet Heath had seemed to handle things well.  The discomfort had shown, but then he would seem to get the idea and it would fade as he eased his way slowly into new traditions.  Why had he left?  Colleen said he was afraid.  Heath wasn’t afraid.  Jarrod agreed.  Something about Heath being afraid of losing what was important to him.  What would that be.  Heath really didn’t have any special possessions as far as he could tell.  The only thing he had was the ranch and the family.  This thinking was getting him nowhere.  He’d leave it up to Heath to explain himself, then he would spend time fixing whatever Heath felt the problem was.  He could fix problems! 

Coming back out of his mental wanderings, he noticed how clear and cold the air was.  No rain in three days.  The ground was drying out.  He was nearing the line shack, but he already knew that Heath wasn’t there.  He couldn’t smell a fire and he saw no hoof prints.  Arriving, he briefly dismounted and quickly checked, even though he had been correct.  There would have been signs of activity.  No one had been here in at least a month. 

Hoping Jarrod had better luck than he did, he headed home as quickly as possible.  He didn’t want to miss Christmas if Heath returned with Jarrod.  If not he would just pretend that Christmas was not today.  One way or another, what ever day Heath arrived home, the ranch work could be hanged.  They would celebrate, after he talked some sense into Heath. 

Heath played solitaire. 

Jarrod and Colleen were ready to head out immediately after Nick.  Jarrod saddled the horses they would use, and Colleen extracted a promise from Victoria not to let her mother fret, if she showed up wondering where she was. 

Many thoughts crosses Jarrod’s mind as he saddled Jingo and Silver. Knowing he would be spending time with Colleen soon, he gave some thought to the girl Heath had won, and Audra cherished as a good friend  .  She wasn’t Helen, he smiled, but she had good breeding and manners, a quick mind, and wasn’t afraid to stand up for what she believed in.   As Audra’s friend, Jarrod knew her to be kind and helpful as well.  He often heard the two laughing.   But in social situations she seemed, as the men said, cold as ice.  He had to agree.  He danced with her once, at Audra’s request, and decided that she felt herself to be above everyone at the social.  How had Heath broken through her icy exterior to the warm woman Audra knew?  Colleen had found something in Heath, that she found lacking in the rest of the male population of Stockton.  He knew this was a correct statement, as everyone else who had tried to court her had been turned away, and rumor had it that it wasn’t her mother’s wish that the men left, but rather Colleen’s herself.  Maybe she would explain and he could solve this mystery as well. 

She was waiting outside, as he brought the horses around, and after he helped her mount, they were off.  Clearing the Barkley gate, she asked, “Exactly where are we going?”   

A place Heath calls the arena, perhaps you’ve been before?”

“You knew I’d been there when you asked me to come, didn’t you?  Heath must think a lot of you.  I wasn’t sure he’d tell anybody about it, and before you asked, I was ready to ride there myself.  It would be my first guess of a place he would be.” 

“Seeing it once, and knowing Heath, I’d have to agree with you.” 

After five minutes of continued riding, he was sure she was not going to answer, and once again he thought, this is how she always acts.  Wanting to talk with her, he asked directly, “What do you see in Heath?” 

“He treats me as an equal and as a woman.  He also makes me laugh, and listens to my opinions even though he doesn’t always agree.  I guess Jarrod, he is something of a mystery to me.  He keeps me guessing” 

“No one else has?” 

She reigned Silver in and stopped.  As Jarrod wheeled to face her, she said, “Very rarely Jarrod.  I’m seen as spoiled, beautiful, rich, shallow, and cold.  I know what everyone says.  Nick is a good example.  He compares my beauty to the heavens, and says that he will give me everything they hold.  Heath wants us to go together.  When we first met he was dodging Virginia Wheeler, and while it was obvious he found me attractive, he noticed my personality more.  You of all people must know what it is like!” 

“I don’t understand.” 

“Jarrod, she said angrily, your not obtuse.  Every mama in Stockton has their hopes pinned on having one of their daughters marrying you.  Don’t you wonder if they are interested in you, or rather in everything Barkley?” 

“No.  I’ll choose who I want as a wife.” 

“You’re fortunate then.  I need to question the outrageous flattery.  I’ve been asked to marry numerous times, and not one of them knew who I was.” 

“I think I understand now, Jarrod said softly, and Heath?” 

“Understands me,” she replied, and in that second, as she smiled openly, he felt lucky for Heath.  All the impishness, happiness, maturity, and love one person could hold shown in her eyes and in that smile.  It was how he hoped Helen felt about him. 

The rest of the trip passed in companionable silence, and continued all the way into the arena itself.  It took Jarrod only a second to realize Heath wasn’t there, and even less time to find Colleen’s face buried in his lapel. 

“I was so sure,” she sobbed. 

Instinctively caressing her head and shoulders in an attempt to sooth her, as he did with Audra when she was upset, Jarrod nodded in agreement with her statement.  As he gently led her back to Silver he felt her draw a deep breath, and watched as her hand made a quick swipe at her eyes.

“Jarrod?” 

“Yes.” 

“I don’t know.  Sometimes I’m still so confused.  I have laughed more, cried more, shouted more, and felt more since meeting Heath than in my entire life, but, I don’t understand him at all.” 

Laughing, he tipped her head up so their eyes would meet, and placing a finger across her lips to still the outburst, he saw forthcoming, he said, “That is one thing the entire family will agree with you on.  I’m not sure anyone understands him.  Let’s go see if Nick had any luck?” 

Her anger turning to laughter, as she realized he wasn’t laughing at her admission, she responded, “Nick won’t have had any luck.  Heath is to stubborn to be anywhere predictable,” and with that she tossed her hair and rode at a gallop, Jarrod beside her, all the way back to the Barkleys. 

Entering the house, and spying Mary McDougal but not Heath, Jarrod assumed Nick’s venture wasn’t fruitful, and laughed at Colleen’s assessment once more, but couldn’t resist confirming with, “Well?” 

“Not there.  You?”  Nick shot back. 

“No.” Jarrod said flatly, his hopes that Nick had found Heath dashed. 

“Well Colleen,” Mary said, laying aside her tea, “It’s time we get home, young lady.  Dashing about looking for men just isn’t done,” she added, ushering Colleen out the door. 

Audra sighed, and Jarrod whispered, “goodbye’ as she passed to get her wrap.  Mary opened the door and just before Colleen pulled it shut, she turned quickly and smiled at Jarrod, then left. 

That smile was very different from the open one she had given him while discussing Heath, and he felt sorry for Mary.  The smile said volumes, and her mother would likely learn of her irritation as soon as they were out of earshot. 

The minute the door closed, Nick said, “Well what do we do now?” 

“Waiting, seems to be our only option,” Victoria supplied.  “He is returning, were just not sure when.” 

“It’s almost three o’clock .  Scotch, Jarrod?” 

“Yes Nick, I think I will.” he said, as he moved into the parlor and saw the re-wrapped packages and the stockings, once again hanging over the fireplace, laden with gifts. 

As the day crawled slowly toward the dinner hour, the family drank, played cards, talked, reminisced, and at times cursed what ever the problem was that kept them from having a family Christmas that day.  One thing was certain.  Christmas without Heath just wasn’t Christmas. 

Heath ate beans. 

When Victoria announced dinner, it was obvious to everyone that they were going through the motions.  Jarrod offered her his arm.  Nick escorted Audra in.  They made small talk and picked at their food.  Finally Nick broke some of the tension by saying “I thought that only Heath could push food around on his plate for an hour without eating.  Seems like it may be a family trait after all.  I don’t think anyone here has eaten more than a few bites.” 

Looking at their plates, and seeing uneaten piles of cold food, they all laughed.  Heath was known for not eating, but tonight they were all doing a credible job of mimicking him. 

“If no one is going to eat, we may as well stop the pretense and clear this mess up.  The longer food sits, the harder the plates are to clean,” Victoria said, as Audra rose with her to clear the table.  “Why don’t we meet you back in the game room when were done.” 

“Sounds fine Mother.  Pool, Nick?” 

“Sure, since I’m not going to find out what is in my gifts, I may as well beat you at pool.” 

“When it comes to Christmas, you have a one track mind.” Jarrod said laughingly.   

“You would think that maybe we could have saved Audra’s gifts and done mine first,” Nick pretended to pout, feeling a great need to lighten the mood. 

“Well at least you don’t know what your not getting,” Jarrod shot back, smiling.  “I know I am not having an after dinner Cuban Cigar.” 

‘Point taken, big brother.” Nick grinned in return. 

“How long do you think we will have to wait til I can wring his neck?” Nick finally questioned, voicing what everyone wanted to know but hadn’t asked. 

“I would say he won’t be back before the 27th,” Victoria said, entering.  “Heath isn’t stupid, so he would figure out riding time, Christmas, goodbyes, then time to return, and not come home before that, just so it looks like he really went.  What makes me mad is that he almost got away with it, and we are still not sure why.” 

“I think we have a good idea why he left, don’t you Mother?”  Audra asked. 

“If you do Audra, could you share it with me,” Nick replied. 

“I thought we decided he left because he didn’t want to upset our traditions, or because he was overwhelmed by our traditions.  I know it has to do with our traditions.  Doesn’t it?” 

“It’s as clear as mud to you too, I see,” Nick replied as he fought to get the words out between clenched teeth again.   “Every time I try to figure this out, my head hurts.” He snapped. 

“I’ve given it a lot of thought today, and while we will have to wait for Heath to confirm anything, I think he left, as Colleen said, because he thought he was doing us a favor, and because he was  afraid that we might be happier without him.  He needs to make the decision to allow himself to be accepted, as much as we need to let him know that he is fully accepted.”  Victoria stated firmly.

As the family gave her words consideration, Audra reached down and picked up a glittering golden gift, from the floor by her chair.  “I wonder what Colleen got Heath?  I was surprised to hear they were courting.  I never understood Colleen and her aversion to men.  I’m surprised her Mother would even allow her to be  with Heath.” 

Thinking back to their conversation, Jarrod smiled as he said, “I think Colleen does as she wants, no matter how controlling her Mother seems.” 

As Audra thought that over, Jarrod noticed his Mothers agreeing nod to what he had said and nodded back, as he picked up his pool cue and was again beaten by Nick.  “It seems like you win a lot more these days, Nick.” 

“I think it has to do with playing Heath so often,” Nick replied.  “The more I watch him play the better I seem to get.” 

“A true statement, Nick.  A true statement. When one plays with a better opponent, one improves. Maybe I should spend more time playing Heath.  Then again, maybe I shouldn’t.  This way I can honestly lose to all those influential political leaders as I plead my case, and they can take pity on my poor pool skills.” 

“Now that sounds as calculated as Heath asking if you want to play a little game of poker.” Nick laughed. 

Heath played solitaire.   

Another game?” 

“Sure, Nick,” Jarrod agreed, as he prepared to lose. 

Heath played solitaire. 

“That makes three losses in a row, Jarrod.  Ready to call it quits and try your luck at cards?” 

“I think I’m going to play Audra a game, before bed, if she is agreeable,” Jarrod asked. 

“I would love to.   I was tired of trying to get these stitches out,” she replied, laying aside her handwork.  “What shall we play.  Heath and I love whist.  I miss him.” 

“I do to Audra.  Let’s play.” 

Heath played solitaire. 

“Looks like playing Heath has helped you to,” Jarrod said as Audra beat him two out of the three games.  “There was a time when you didn’t stand a chance against me.” 

“That was when I was twelve,” she shot back happily. 

“Perhaps we can all play a game,” Victoria called.  “I really don’t feel like reading anymore, and I’m not ready to turn in.”

“Great,” Nick said gathering the cards and putting them away.  “Let’s play Chinese Checkers” 

“Sounds fun, it’s been a long time since we played that as a family,” Audra enthused. 

Nick pulled the game out of the cupboard, and everyone set up their own sections delighted with having something different to do. 

“What a wonderful idea, Nick,” Victoria said merrily, as she prepared to go first.  “I think it’s been over a year since we played.  Last time I won a few games, much to your chagrin.” 

As Jarrod took his turn, he said, “I wonder what Heath is doing?” 

“He’s not beating you at this game,” Nick bantered good naturedly.   

Heath played solitaire. 

Audra took her turn by jumping the marble on the left into the center of the ring. 

As Victoria started her second move, Jarrod said “You will never win this time Mother.” 

Heath threw the cards across the room!   They’d had enough Christmas.  He’d had it with being alone.  He was going home.  Refusing to pick up the cards, he hastily he threw his belongings into his bedroll, doused the fire, left the line shack, mounted Gal, and rode for home.  He would be back before they expected, and before he had intended, but he was done.  Done lying!  Done pretending!  Done being alone!  He didn’t care what it took, but he would be home on Christmas itself.  Probably not until eleven thirty, but he would be home.  The consequences be hanged. 

As they continued to play Chinese checkers well into the evening, Heath rode at a breakneck pace.  Now that his mind was made up, he refused to be deterred by caution.  Slow riding wasn’t in the cards, but then again neither was the short cut he thought about taking.  Just remembering Nick’s shortcut story made him decide he would rather arrive home tonight, then end up lost.  He had a deadline to meet.  Home for Christmas.  It echoed in his brain with every mile covered.  Memories came as well.  Audra reaching for him, and his comforting her, but refusing to allow her words to console.  Victoria’s silence over Colleen.  Jarrod's turmoil over how to right the imagined wrong over the money.  Nick’s voice and companionship.  Nicks quiet acceptance of Lightning, without trying to repay him for the gift.  Jarrods patience while listening to his story.  Audra’s sisterly teasing.  Victoria's making him a stocking.  Colleen defying her mother for him.  Faster and faster the clips came as he flew toward home.  He was wrong.  He needed them.  This he had silently accepted long ago, but it seemed in some way that they might need him too.  Trusting people was hard.  The closer they became, the greater the hurt, especially when you had only experienced rebuke, refusal,  anger, and denial.  It was simple really.  Black and white.  Day and night.  Hot and cold.  But now there were also, shades of grey, dusk and dawn, and warm and cold.  Maybe he could allow them into his life fully, and live with the pain that would come with it.  Maybe it could be talked through, as Jarrod liked to say.  Maybe the joy was worth it.  No.  Not maybe.  It was worth the gamble.  He’d start with an apology, then show them with his gifts.   

With resolve came panic. 

Cursing as the thoughts assailed him, he stopped and sat as his brain churned.  *And if the presents weren’t good enough..   If he wasn’t good enough.  If he was only being tolerated, not accepted.* The sweating began.  If they laughed.  He had no idea how a family worked.  He’d never had siblings.  What did he know?  If he left again, who would care?  The images flowed. *Victoria talking to Jarrod about the manger.  Not knowing what went in a stocking.  Audra almost spitting out that it was so wonderful, almost like last year.  The year he hadn’t been there.  Mary McDougal, glaring at him.  Deep breath, he recalled.  That was what he was taught.  Deep breath.  In and out. Instantly the panic was consumed in cleansing laughter.  He’d just realized that there were shades, but when it came to breathing, you either did it or you didn’t. In and out.  There was no, midway breathing!  He’d beat these attacks before, he’d done it again.  

Spurring Gal into a gallop again, knowing he was pushing her, he kept repeating, I’m going home.” 

“Another game?” Victoria questioned, eyes alight with having won five of the seven games played. 

“I think not, Mother, yet like you, I don’t think I could sleep.” Jarrod responded. 

“I never mentioned sleeping.” 

“No, but if the rest of you feel as I do, bed is the last thing possible right now, even though its already ten.” 

“Ten,” Audra exclaimed.  “I had no idea it was that late, but you’re right, if I went to bed now I would just lay there.  Perhaps another game of whist, or perhaps piquet?” she suggested hopefully. 

“No more games, I think I’ll just have another whiskey and then try to get to bed,” Nick said ending Audra’s chance at playing another partnered game. 

“I think I’ll look over some work I was going to do after the holidays,” Jarrod said, heading to his office. 

“Fine.” Nick responded.  “I’ll join you and look over the accounts.  I was going to do them with Heath, but at least I can get started.” 

“Audra, I think we should pull out the alter cloths and continue finishing them, or if you would rather we could work on the baby dress for Dorothy and Sam’s new daughter,” Victoria said groping for the sewing basket, nestled by her chair. 

Very uncharitably, Audra said, “It’s better than doing nothing.  I’ll get the material,” she called as she headed upstairs. 

“Don’t forget the pink trim,” she heard as she ascended the stairs.  Would this night never end. 

Waiting for Audra to return, Victoria tried to figure out which person in the household was the most upset, and decided it was her.   Heath reminded her of Tom.  All of her children did, but Heath’s mannerisms were new.  It was like rediscovering Tom in different ways.  She loved to open his door at night and watch him sleep.  He sprawled across a bed like Tom did, and it brought back memories of shared snuggles.  He was definitely Tom’s son, and she would have to tell him so.  Make her understand that her anger was at Tom’s death, and the life they should still be having together, not at Heath himself.  She knew she was distancing herself from Heath more at the holidays than any other time since coming to know him, but this was Tom’s favorite time of the year.  She loved Heath, but she missed Tom, and it hurt. 

Victoria stopped wallowing in her feelings, when Audra returned with the pink ribbons and the material, and she  began helping her daughter. 

Nick on the other hand couldn’t sit still. 

“Nick, any more pacing and I’ll toss you out,” Jarrod roared, temper flaring in the tense surroundings. 

“Just because you can sit there, not a care in the world.....” Nick chided, hoping an argument would help him focus, and knowing that Jarrod would rise to the bait. 

“I’d be careful,” Jarrod sneered.   “You can’t begin to understand how I feel.” 

“Oh can’t I, Mr. Lawyer.  You are concerned with doing the right thing and staying calm, keeping your image up.  You irritate me.  Our brother is out there, God knows where, doing God knows what, because you took the Kyle's case.” 

Jarrod staggered from the verbal onslaught.  That was past and forgotten, or so he had assumed.  Now Nick was shoving it in his face again.  “It’s over Nick.” he said, his voice  menacingly quiet.  “I was wrong.  Heath understands.  He said his Mama would have agreed with what I did.  More comments like those and I wont stop with words next time.” 

“Like you could win,” Nick taunted. 

There was something there, something more than anger and Jarrod heard it.  He’d heard it before in prisons when someone needed to spill their guts.  Usually when they were guilty.  Instantly anger turned to caring, as he moved over and said as quietly as possible, “Nick?”, and placed a hand on his shoulder, and applied pressure toward the chair.

“Sorry Jarrod,” Nick responded, all at once feeling drained, now that Jarrod had stopped taking the bait. 

“What is bothering you?” 

“How do you always know?” 

“Twenty eight years of being the brother to the loudest mouth in Stockton.  The only times you’ve ever turned your mouth on your family is when you feel that you are to blame, or when you are hurt.” 

After minutes, that seemed to drag like hours, Nick said, “He talks to you.” 

Trying to lighten the hurt he heard in the four spoken words, Jarrod said “Maybe it’s because I listen.”  He was instantly sorry, as Nick began to rise, hackles up.    That was badly done on my part, Nick.  Heath does talk to you.” 

“No he doesn’t,” Nick replied, slumping back into the chair. 

“You knew about Colleen.” 

“I saw them.  He never said a word.” 

Eyes downcast, Jarrod had no answer.  Finally, trying another tack, he said, “Heath rarely talks.” 

“Right, and the few times he does, it isn’t to me.” 

“He’s told you about his love of horses, and he asked about your birthday.  I butt in Nick, trying to help.  You give him time and space.  I’ve been jealous actually.” Jarrod admitted.  “He respects and admires you. You have things in common. You seem to know what he needs.” 

Looking up, Nick smiled at his brother and said, “I was thinking the exact things about you.  Once again I was jealous of my big brother.” 

“Maybe Heath has brought up a topic we need to address.  He is a member of the family, not a prize to be won.” 

“I know Jarrod,” Nick said as the two brothers began what was a heartfelt and very needed talk, that easily preda