The Gift

Part 3

by Jana

As Heath joined the family for lunch, he could feel the excitement radiating off them.  His nerves grew in direct proportion to their rising enthusiasm.  All to soon for Heath, lunch was over and Silas was clearing the dishes.  Audra had moved to put on her coat and Victoria was on her way to join her.  The good natured chatter continued all the way to the wagon and no matter how hard he tried to drag his feet, the trip was about to begin. 

They all loaded into the buggy, Jarrod took the reins, and headed to the wooded hills south of Stockton, near Moraga.  The ride itself took about an hour and a half.  It  was spent singing Christmas songs and talking about last years trip, where it seemed Audra found the clump of holly with the reddest berries, thus winning the family prize.  They also discussed the criteria for winning this year.  The debate seemed to last forever to Heath, with everyone adding their two cents, and then arguing or agreeing with the others suggestions.  Finally it was decided that the person who could find the largest pine bough for the front door wreath, would be this years winner.  They were also to keep a look out for the perfect tree. Through out the entire exchange Heath was silent.  He had no input of value, so kept his own council, and the family was so involved that they didn’t notice he was silent. 

When the wagon stopped, he uttered the first words, with, “Boy howdy, but this is a lovely area.  Very peaceful.”  Colleen came to his mind.  He would enjoy sharing this spot with her, allowing  her to point out the greenery, and explain things to him.  As far as he could tell, everything looked green.  Hopefully they would pair up and he could watch.  If not, he decided to look for the perfect tree.  One like he had seen through the windows of the grand San Francisco homes.

Taking charge, Victoria said, “Everyone, you have two hours to fill this wagon, and don’t forget to locate our Christmas tree.  Begin!”

Heath noticed, to his dismay, that everyone took off in a different direction, claiming they knew where the winning pine bough was, or the best holly, or a grove of mistletoe etc.....  He had to do something.  He would scout around for the best tree, while staying close to the wagon, so he could see what the others brought back, then go out and gather some of the same.  He felt more alone than he had in months, but they were so excited, he didn’t want them to know how he felt.

Audra came back first, and this saved Heath’s day.  “Heath, I need a brother.  The holly I found is lovely, but to sharp for me to gather.  Could you come and help?”

“Yes,” he said, much more relieved than he had been all day.  As they walked to her location, she explained that holly grew in great bushes, but that her gloves didn’t protect her from the stickers.  His leather work gloves should, and she led him to a beautiful bush covered with bright red berries.

“Heath, pick full branches that are covered with berries. I find those make the house much more festive.”

As he set to work, she said, “I’m going over to the pine grove for some boughs.  Be right back.”

Picking the holly was easy, and he knew about pine trees so he was feeling much more confident when she returned, her arms laden with pine boughs.

“Gather the holly, Heath.  I think that may be enough.  Then help me get this back to the wagon.”

“Sure Sis,” he said, grateful for a job.

When they reached the wagon, Nick was already there piling in arm loads of greenery he had found, and it looked like someone else had been back as well.  He added Audra’s finds as she set off again.

“Pine cones!  Rats, we don’t have any colpar pine cones yet this year.”  Nick yelled.

“I’ll gather some Nick.”

“Great Heath, I want to find the tree,” and off he tore.

Their good mood was infectious and as he had a job to do, that he couldn’t screw up, he felt himself relax and begin to enjoy the physical work, and the beauty that surrounded him.  After gathering a suitable amount of pine cones, and knowing he could not contribute further this year, he found a quiet place to sit and just absorb the winter day.

The calmness of his meditation was broken by the harsh double shots of Nick’s gun, signaling that their time was at an end.  Everyone was excited as he approached the buggy and a spirited conversation kept up the entire trip home.  Jarrod and Nick would occasionally, burst into a rousing chorus of Good King Wensceslas.   

Heath, knowing that he had survived, and had not been asked any questions about his lack of contributions, relaxed with every passing mile.  He tried to learn the words to the Christmas carol, which seemed to be a family favorite.  He personally always loved It Came Upon  a Midnight Clear, and he of course knew Silent Night.  Everyone did, but other than those two his repertoire was sorely lacking.  The ride home seemed to take a fraction of the time that the ride there had taken.  He put this down to lack of dread.  All he had left to face was the decorating and the cookies.  At least left to face today.

As Ciego steadied the horses they unloaded the heavily laden wagon, and on the very bottom was the biggest pine bough he had ever seen.  Jarrod claimed he had climbed a tree to get it, and no one could deny that it was the winner.

 He was crowned King of the Greenery.  Elated he looked at his family, and seeing the question in Heath’s eyes, laid an arm around his shoulder and explained that this allowed him to place the star on top of the tree.

“When do you all put up your tree?” he questioned hoping this would make them think that he had a tree when he was growing up.

“Well, Nick, and I guess you this year, will cut it down, either tomorrow or the next day, and we will decorate it when you both get home.  Is that what you did, Heath?”

Avoiding the question, he responded with, “If Nick usually goes alone, or if someone different usually goes with him, I’ll be glad to stay and keep the workers going.  It must be hard juggling the ranch work, with all the extra time needed for the holidays.  I bet you’re all glad when the season is over and things return to normal.  I know I will be.”

“Don’t be silly, Heath.  I wish Thanksgiving and Christmas lasted all year.  It gets downright boring waiting for the other holidays to roll around, and then they only last one day,” Audra exclaimed.  “This Christmas may be a little different for you, I know it will be different for us, with you here this year and......she tactlessly continued.

Heath stared into the fireplace as Jarrod said, “Audra, go see if Silas has the dinner trays ready, so we can eat while we decorate.”  He noticed that Heath had clammed up at Audra’s words and decided to be more solicitous, explaining things as they went, so Heath would feel included.

“The trays are ready Mother,” Audra said, reentering the room.  Silas says to help ourselves, and wants to know if we need the berries yet.”

“Not yet Audra, lets get the greenery in place first.”

“I’ll tackle the parlor, Mother,” Nick said.

“I want to do the parlor to Mother.   May I help, Nick?”

“Sure, Audra”

“Then Mother, this year you and I get the entry, foyer, and staircase,” Jarrod remarked, beginning to go get the greenery they required.

“Wait, Nick yelled, who does Heath help?”

“Hey Nick, don’t mind me, I’ll just sit and watch you all work.  That’ll make a fun change.”

“Heath, you can help us,” Jarrod stepped in quickly.  “We have a lot to do.”

“No, Audra put in.  Help Nick and I.  Mother and Jarrod make it look effortless, they’ve done it for so long.  With your help I bet we can get done first.”

“Fine.” Heath said, and stayed right where he was, by the fire.

“Audra, Nick said taking charge,  go and get the pine boughs and I’ll get the holly. I wouldn’t want you to get scratched up by the stuff, and it seems to get sharper with each passing day, if that’s possible. I’ll do the mantlepiece and you can do the table we use for the manger.  Heath, you can take the tantalus table.”

As the family busily began to work and hum Christmas carols, Heath picked up a pine bough and watched the others work.  Was it better to try and imitate their efforts, or get talked to about his lack of participation.  Deciding he had better try his hand at greenery arranging, he carefully watched Audra arranging pine boughs on the small table top that Nick had indicated was for the manger.  She placed each one with the stem end in the center of the table, and the widest end hanging over the table in feathery waves.

He had to admit that it looked pretty, and as far as he could tell, Nick was doing just as good a job with the mantle.  He had cleared everything off, and placed the pine branches, as Audra had, on the bottom .  Next he busily picked through he holly and put the branches with the reddest berries atop the pine.  Heath loved the smell and stood fascinated as Nick picked up the silver candlesticks, and replaced them on the mantle, twining holly around them.  He then contrasted the green pine, and red holly berries with clumps of mistletoe. This added a very festive white touch to the decorations, reminding Heath of the Mexican flag.   He placed large pine cones at either end of the mantle.

After deciding that he had watched enough, Heath took the tantalus off the sidebar, and placed the pine boughs a he had seen both the others do, so that,  he too had the soft ends hanging lightly over the top of the table.  He replaced the tantalus, opened the side doors and top, and placed holly all around the ornate box, to add the red that he liked so much.  He then noticed that Audra had used hay in hers as well, but reckoned that was for the manger.  No other reason to use hay, that he could see.

“Uh...Nick, do you just want...”

“I’m busy Heath, give me a minute,” he said as he finished adorning the mirror that hung over the mantle with more of the lush holly.  Now, what did you need Heath?” he said turning.

“Is there anything else you want me to do?”

“Well for starters, we need to get that holly off the table.  It will make pouring drinks a hazard,” he said, beginning to remove the offending holly plants, Heath had just worked on.  “Why don’t you run up to the attic, and get the trunks of decorations out.”

“Nick, I don’t rightly know which trunks you keep the decorations in, or what decorations you want.”

“GET THEM ALL, HEATH.”

“Nick!  Is there a problem?” Victoria said as she entered and began helping Nick remove the holly.

“We’ve just finished the foyer, but need the decorations.”

“I just told Heath to go get them, but he says he doesn’t know where they are.”

“I’ll finish this then.  Nick, you go and get them, and Heath you go with him, that way you’ll know where they are kept next year.”

“Yes Ma’am,” Heath muttered, as Nick called, “Come on then, lets get it done quickly.”

Nick grumbled all the way up the stairs and to the attic.  It was obvious that he usually had to do this job, and it was one he didn’t look forward to.  Stopping at the top stair, he pointed to three trunks along the left wall.

“Those three, Heath.  Get them over here, and I’ll help you get them down.”

Three trunks Heath thought, and all full of Christmas items.  How exciting, he mused, wonder what’s inside them?  Maneuvering the trunks to the attic stairs, both boys began hauling them down.  It took a long time to get all three trunks to the foyer, but finally they succeeded, and all three lids were thrown back.  There were saved pine cones and lovely red ribbons that had been tied into bows.  There were closed boxes, that Heath longed to look inside.  One trunk contained mostly linens.   Audra began with these, while Victoria began twining ribbons around the newel posts and up the stairway.  Nick took the  bows, and anchored them to either side of the mantle.

“Jarrod, Audra called, can you help me?”

“Certainly,” he replied, as he assisted her in opening  a gorgeous hand embroidered tablecloth, covered in green holly leaves and more bright red berries.  They checked it for damage, and then went to the dining room and covered the table with it.  Jarrod moved to the china cabinet and removed an epergne, that was more stately than any other piece Heath had seen in the entire house.  He wouldn’t have even known what it was called if Audra hadn’t said to go get the Christmas epergne.  It must be French, he thought, as he watched Jarrod place it in the center of the table.  They then filled its hanging baskets with pyracantha.  Everywhere Heath looked, the house was transformed.  The change reminded him of Victoria’s birthday, all over again, but it smelled better.  Kind of like the outdoors had come in for a visit.

His thoughts were again interrupted by a family member talking, as Victoria said, “Silas, I think now would be a good time for the berries and oranges.”

“Not yet Mother, let’s do the manger first,” Jarrod said.

“But we always do the berries first,” Audra pouted.

“Yes, Jarrod, we do.  Lets stick with tradition and do the pomander balls and berries next.” Victoria calmly said.

More words Heath didn’t know, but how hard could doing something with oranges and berries be.  He sure was getting an education today.

As the family entered the kitchen more wonderful smells assailed their noses.  Silas was cooking something Heath had never had before, he was sure of that.  It did seem to delight Audra though.  Actually he reckoned anything festive always delighted Audra.  It was part of her charm. 

The family took places around the kitchen table, and broke immediately into familiar teams, just  like a scene from a play that had been rehearsed many times before.  Jarrod, once again, noticed Heath not having a place and motioned him over to have a seat and help him.  It was to be his year for the oranges he explained.  Seeing Heath’s bewilderment at the comment Jarrod launched into a long detailed account of how to make pomander balls, and that it was a tradition Victoria had brought with her when she moved from the South.  He then went on to explain how they gave off a fresh smell and helped add even more color to the house.  Finally, he decided that the had given  Heath enough information to clear up his confusion and not feel left out.  As soon as Heath picked up an orange and the first clove, it became clear to Jarrod that Heath was still lost, as to what he was supposed to do with the two things.

“Heath, let me show you,” Jarrod said, taking an orange and sticking in one clove after another, forming a line from tip to navel. “Just keep doing this in rows around the orange.”

“Sure,” Heath mumbled, still red from embarrassment.   He really hated to let them know that he didn’t understand what was going on.

 Nick, Audra, and Victoria were busily  working on threading berries along a length of line.  As Jarrod and Heath stuck cloves into oranges, Heath watched  the berry chains grow. 

As the work continued, Silas broke in with, “It’s ready now!”

Heath watched as Audra and Nick practically knocked each other over in an attempt to get out of their chairs and over to the pot on the stove first.  What in the world was going on now?

As they pushed each other, they accidentally knocked Silas into the trays of sugar cookies laid out for decorating later that day.  The trays spilled breaking most of the cookies.

“Now look what you’ve done Nick,” Audra yelled.

“Me, you shoved me Audra,” Nick said his voice rising dramatically as he glared at her. “I love decorating those cookies”

“Children!  Silas and I can bake another batch.  Quit fighting and be more careful,” Victoria warned.

 Only Heath was thankful for the accident.  He would not need to decorate cookies today.

Audra and Nick promptly forgot the cookie fight as Silas cleaned up the mess but resumed their original squabble.

“Audra, I’m first this year.   You don’t get to go first!” Nick complained.

“But I got here first,” she responded reasonably.

“That’s only because you sat closest to the stove,” Nick grumped.

“You could have.”

Agreeing grumpily, Nick said, “Don’t just sit there everybody.  The pudding must be stirred.”

Jarrod clasped Heath on the back and steered him to the stove and the bubbling mixture.  Heath really thought he could find the stove himself, and wanted Jarrod to just leave him alone.  He was sick to death of being spoon‑fed information, led, and coddled.  What he really wanted to do was escape.

“Heath, Jarrod began, it’s tradition to stir the Christmas pudding, then when its served for Christmas dinner, what ever charm comes in your piece, is supposed  to foretell your future.  Just stir it once like Nick and Audra do.  We each get a turn.”

Heath noticed right off that he had could stir it his own way.   After watching Audra delicately move the spoon around clockwise, counting to five, before handing it to Nick, who stirred it any number of times, til his arm got tired, he realized that how it was stirred couldn’t be a problem, but rather that it must just be stirred.  Victoria confirmed this by only rotating the spoon, once around the mixture.  His turn was up next.  He took the proffered spoon and repeated Victoria’s once around the pot stir, then handed the spoon to Jarrod.  Smiling, Jarrod took the spoon, moved up, and stirred the grey stuff himself.

Each person, then returned to their labors around the table, as Heath watched Silas wrap the stuff in cloth and pour whiskey all over it.  Lord but Christmas would be different.  Looking around Heath realized that he had been busy.  There was a large pile of oranges and Jarrod was getting a silver bowl to place them in.  As he listened to Jarrod’s explanation, he realized that even the bowl was a special one that was always used.  The berries seemed to be done as well, he reckoned, since everyone had quit working on them.  There were strings and strings of them.  What did they think they were going to do with all of them?  He knew he would find out soon, but he was not sure he wanted to know.    The time came sooner than he thought.  As he rose, to stretch his legs, Victoria said that they should get the berries strung up.  With that they all headed for the foyer.  Jarrod stood and picked up the bowl containing the oranges, as Nick and Audra brought the berry strands.  As he had nothing to do, he just observed, which if truth be told, suited him just fine.  Heath watched in fascination as Jarrod centered the bowl of oranges in the middle of the marble entry table.  What was it he had called the oranges again?   Then Nick, coiling a strand of the berries like it was a lasso, climbed to the top of the stairway.  Jarrod took the other and repeated Nick’s motions, but stayed at the bottom.  Both started looping the cranberries around the already decorated banister, intent on meeting in the middle.  The cranberries wine red truly added charm and vibrancy to the entryway, and he had to admit that the bowl of oranges, pomander balls, that was the term, was already putting out a spicy scent.  The orange was a nice color too.

This peaceful moment was interrupted by Nick shouting “It’s the same thing every year Jarrod.  You just never get it right.  Well the last two years I had to redo mine.  This year you redo your string.”

“Brother Nick, mine are once again placed exactly in the middle of each opening and spaced evenly.  The two inch gap is caused by your reckless lack of care.”

“I’ll show you lack of care,” Nick spat as he started to undo Jarrod’s carefully woven strand of cranberries.

“Nick.....” Jarod said , only to be interrupted by Victoria, who demanded that the usual bickering be stopped.  Looking at Audra she said, “Next year we’ll let those two handle the mantle and we’ll take the staircase.  Nick, redo your section please.”

Heath slipped back out of the room, and headed to the sideboard to have another bite of the ham log.  The ham log  was also a tradition, Silas had informed him.  As he ate, he could hear the bickering continue.

“Mine’s fine, It’s Jarrods that’s wrong!”

“Nick,” Audra said calmly, knowing it would provoke her brother.  It  was one thing she had learned from Heath.  “You know your wrong!  Last year you made us measure and you still had to redo yours.”Audra smiled, as Jarrod laughed.

What a wonderful family he had.  They could bicker, fight , and yell, and still be the closest knit group of people he had ever known.  It reminded him of the Three Musketeers  story his mama told him.  One for all and all for one!  Generally this thought comforted him, but not this time.  This time he thought of another story his mama and Rachael brought to life.  A Christmas Carol.  He was Scrooge, observing the well worn rituals of time as they  moved past him, and feeling powerless to intervene.  Like the scene Rachael told, of Scrooge, watching a happy dance at a party given by his first employer but unable to join in and be part of the warmth and closeness he felt.  It really wasn’t worth thinking about, he told himself.  The holidays would pass and next year, he would know what to expect.  As he ate, his melancholy grew and he eventually became aware of another presence in the room with him.  Jarrod!  Of course, it would be Jarrod.  He didn’t even need to turn around to confirm it.  Ever since he told him about the money, he had been trying to assuage his guilt by being extra careful of his feelings.

“Well Heath, we were wondering where you escaped to.  Were ready to do the manger.  Now this manger is very  special to all of us.  It’s Mothers, from when she was in Arkansas.  Her sister Gail, gave it to her on her wedding day.   She explained that it was an unusual wedding present, but she didn’t want them to be separated at Christmas, and knew how tough it would be on both of them. The nativity was to remind Mother of Gail’s love for her, and of their reliance on Jesus to get them through the tough times.  It was also to remind Mother, when she looked at it, that while they may be separated by mileage, they would be together in heaven.”

Touched by the story, but tired of Jarrod’s voice, Heath said, “Jarrod, enough!  Stop playing catch up over the money issue.  You don’t owe me anything.  Go be with your family.”

“You are my family, Heath,” Jarrod quietly stated.

“I agree.  I just need time Jarrod.  Time to get this all worked out.  Solicitousness is great when I’m soliciting, but right now I need to do things as I need them done, not as you need them done to appease your conscious.  Understand?”

Gently laying a hand on Heath’s shoulder, Jarrod replied, “I think so.” and guided him back into the family fold just in time for Heath to see Audra pull a closed box out of one of the trunks.  It was gingerly carried to the table covered with pine and straw.  Jarrod watched as everyone seated themselves, either on the floor or on chairs around the mangers resting place.  He could feel the reverence, and wondered if Heath could as well.  Heath had made it clear that he didn’t want any of Jarrod’s input, so he would do what he could to ease Heath’s way without drawing attention to what he was doing.   He doubted it would work, as Heath was very astute, but he would try.  This train of thought passed abruptly as the lid was removed from the box.

“Audra, as the youngest, you place the first figure,” Victoria instructed.

Heath was sure it was this way every year.  He watched as Audra withdrew a very delicate Mary, which Heath found fitting, and placed her under the wooden roofed stable.

“Nick, you’re next,” Victoria said, then glanced up and saw Heath.  She was mortified.  For the last hour she hadn’t even missed him.  She was so caught up in the familiarity of this night that she simply overlooked adding her newest son to the festivities.  How he was faring?  Knowing exactly how Jarrod had felt over his forgetfulness with the money, she tried to think of a rational way to include him without letting him know he had been overlooked.

Nick was placing Joseph on Mary’s left, his outstretched hand indicating where Jesus would lay.

“Jarrod, you next,” she intoned.  He  reached in and gently unwrapped baby Jesus and tenderly laid him in the manger, between his parents.

“Now you Heath,” Victoria prompted, feeling guilty that for one fleeting moment she wished she could have known last year that this boy would come to them.  She would never have another Christmas like last years, and she mourned it’s loss, while rejoicing in the blonde haired, blue eyed child, now reaching in the box as her children had.  Her children had done this since birth.  It was her legacy to them.  The ritual of the manger.  Tom had never been included. It was from her beloved sister Gail.  A closer sister, one could not wish for. It was her past, her family, and she didn’t want to share it with Tom’s son.  Her son, now.  If only this one thing could be kept sacred.

Heath tentatively removed a shepherd from the box, and placed it outside the manger, looking in.

“That’s not where it goes,” Nick said, picking up the figure and moving him to his trusted spot under an awning.

Audra then took her turn, by placing a cow on the right, facing the holy family.  Nick, then removed a kneeling wise man with an offering, which was placed at the front of Jesus’ crib.  Jarrod pulled out the porcelain angel and placed her on a nail over the manger.  Heath, wishing that he could make himself skip his turn, reached into the box and pulled out a wise man.  He placed this one behind the one kneeling near the crib.  It only took him a second to realize that he had put this figure down in an incorrect location as well, as Audra whisked him up and moved him further back.  She then reached into the box and removed the third wise man, which Heath decided must really have been the second, as this was the position Heath watched her place him in.  He couldn’t see what the difference was, but it must be crucial as they were all nodding happily as Nick placed a sheep at the shepherds foot.

 Jarrod then withdrew a camel and centered it off to the right of the wise men.  He did it precisely, hoping to delay Heath’s turn.  He had been watching Heath throughout the ordeal and had seen his face fall with every misplaced figure.  Finally he released his grip on the camel, dreading Heath’s next move.

Then he heard  Heath say “Would you all go on and finish without me.  I’d rather watch if it would be okay?” and he retreated from the circle around the manger.

Immediately as if in a well orchestrated symphony the family all replied at once.

“If that’s what you want, Heath” Nick said.

Audra echoing his sentiments with, “If that’s how you want it,” her eyes alight with undisguised pleasure. 

Even his Mother added, “Certainly dear,” and Jarrod could hear the relief in her tone as she refocused on the manger being erected before them.

Jarrod took a  few moments to grieve for Heath, as the relief was evident.   He had to admit that he felt relieved as well, then he returned to the manger.

Heath looked longingly at the scene, wanting to be part of this tradition, but knowing it would never be so.  He would see to it.  He had known how wrong it was when he had touched that first piece, but somehow couldn’t stop.  He had tried with the second, but once again need won out with the wise man, but this felt better, more right somehow.  Jarrod had let him know early on that he shouldn’t join in, but he knew Jarrod had been unaware.  This was Victoria’s families.  He might be her son now, and he would fight anyone who said different.  Hell he would even defend Victoria to the death, but he was hers at twenty four.  They were hers from birth.  This was theirs.  God how he longed to hold Colleen.  Barring that a stiff drink or four would be comforting right now, he thought as he watched Audra place a camel, Nick a donkey, and Jarrod the final camel.

“Oh Jarrod, it’s perfect, Audra clapped, almost jumping up and down with excitement, almost like last yea............”

Heath heard her voice trail off as her face flamed red with shame, guilt and embarrassment.

“Boy Howdy, isn’t that the nicest manger I ever did see,” Heath cut in to quell her raging emotions, his English slipping back to a time before, when everything wasn’t so proper.  He was as unaware that this happened as the rest of the family, but had Edna been there she would have given Victoria a piece of her mind.

As they closed the boxes that had a few minutes before contained the manger, Heath looked at the family and let his thoughts drift.

Dusk had fallen hours ago and night now blanketed the horizon.  The glow from the lanterns cast a soft light amongst the decorations, and Heath thought that it rivaled every home he’d ever seen decorated, including the Hopkins mansion, in the city of San Francisco.  That night had been so long ago.  Another lifetime.  But to a tired, worldly, eighteen year old, it had been magical.  The tree

must have been fifteen feet tall.  It stretched from the ground floor to the second story, with a shiny silver star topping it and peeking through an arbor window.  It glistened, a myriad of lights ablaze as golden ornaments cast a luster that seemed brighter than the midday sun.  He had sat on the hill outside the house all Christmas eve and through til noon the next day.  He watched as five raven haired children and two parents opened their bulging stockings and gifts.  He sat while the carriages arrived, bearing well dressed ladies and gentlemen, also bringing gifts.  From the joyous greetings, he assumed they must be aunts, uncles, and grandparents.  It was everything he wanted and nothing he thought he would ever have.  When he went back to work that evening, he held the memory as a shield against the cold dirty job of bringing in the crab.  Now he was part of a family, and their home looked much more welcoming than did the home from the Christmas of his memories.  What would their tree be like?  Were there sparkling ornaments as well?  Did they light it with candles that out shined the darkness?  He couldn’t wait to find out, and if he was truly to help Nick get the tree, he could.  Chopping a tree down and bringing it home, was no problem.  He just hoped he wouldn’t embarrass them by not knowing how to decorate the tree.  Once again, watching seemed to be the best remedy to his discomfort. 

His contemplative quietness as they finished for the night, had allowed the family time to regroup.

“Well Heath, we’d better get some sleep if were going to get that tree tomorrow,” Nick said.

“Sure thing, Nick, but I think I’d like to ride Gal before I turn in.”

“It’s late, Heath, the time always slips away when were busy like this,” Victoria added, worried about his being out so late in the cold.  “Anything could happen to you on a dark road.”

“I’ll be fine, and back soon.  Don’t wait up,” he replied, leaving.

“Where do you think he’s off to now?” Nick asked irritated.  “I swear that boy has wanderlust.”

“Might be right Nick.  He does need time to himself.  Let him be.” Jarrod replied.

“It has been a long night children.  Let’s all turn in, Victoria said.  We have another busy day tomorrow.”

“Don’t I know it, Nick groused.  First get the work crews organized, then I go get the tree we picked out, chop it down, and drag it back here.”

“Heath’ll help,” Audra said.

“Help, yeah!  But I bet he’ll be as quiet as he’s been all week.  Wouldn’t surprise me if he isn’t helping George and Edna fancy their house up for Christmas.”

“He wouldn’t.  Would he?”  Audra asked.

“That’s his business dear, as we were forced to concede,” she chuckled, remembering his stubbornness on the issue.  But as they went to bed, where her youngest son was riding weighed heavily on her mind.

Heath was rejoicing in what he considered to be a few moments of freedom.  Gal was picking her way down the familiar path toward George and Edna’s.   He knew nobody would be awake, but just being there for a brief moment, looking over the house he spent hours fixing, and felt a part of, allowed him to retain his old self and merge it with his new life.  He then headed Gal to the one place that housed

  the person, who allowed him to feel  totally at peace during this holiday season.  Colleen’s.  Everyone tried to make things easier. He knew that.   Appreciated that.  Colleen was different.  She sensed his wariness and didn’t try to ease his way, comfort him, or change his mind.  She just accepted him.  Understood his anxiety, but didn’t try to talk him through it, as Jarrod did, or skirt the issue, as others did.  She simply listened.  Lightly jumping off Gal, a quarter mile from her home, so he wouldn’t be heard, he walked to her bedroom window.  It was dark, and he knew she was asleep.  Could he awaken her?  Did he dare?  He needed to hold her, draw on her strength.   Deciding it wasn’t the time or place, he touched her window briefly, then headed back to Gal, turning once more to take in her darkened home, before he returned to his.

Stabling Gal, and giving Charger a carrot, along with a light pat he whirled, startled by the sound of a delicate cough.

“Audra?”

“Morning, Heath.  It is morning you know?” she said, shivering slightly in the damp barn.

“Sure is.  Why aren’t you in bed?” he questioned, as he draped his coat over her shoulders.

“Just wanting to see if my brother made it home,” she said, leaning into his embrace.

“I’m home.  Now let’s both get some rest,” he said, as he steered her from the barn to the house.

“Heath?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you find what you needed tonight?”

His dazzling grin flashed in the darkness, as he replied, “Yeah, and here I am, right where I need to be.”

Stopping and burying her face in his chest, she sobbed, “I’m so sorry.  Can you forgive me?  I didn’t mean anything.”

“Shhhhhh.....honey...shhhhhhh.......” The soothing sounds drifted over her.  “It is different, bound to be, but its good too.  My mama used to say God opens a window every time he shuts a door.  Reckon right now that’s us, as a family, closing doors, but opening windows.  Rachael always added something to this.  Know what she said?”

A choked “No” filled her tear streaked eyes.

“She said doors were dark.  Windows let in more light.  You’re light Audra, bringing joy and sunshine......”

“Tonight Heath, I was a door,” she choked out, as her crying returned in earnest.

“Wrong Sis.  Your being here, waiting for me, is a beacon in the darkness, like a lighthouse to lost ships.  Now let’s go in and get to bed.  I figure Nick’ll need me early.”

She laughed as she realized he was joking.  He almost always awoke before Nick, no matter what time he got in.

“That’s better,” he said, ushering her upstairs.  Hearing her door close, he crept back downstairs and re entered the front door.  Stopping just over the threshold, he allowed himself time to smell the season.  The greenery, cranberries, and pomander balls were refreshing.  Tomorrow a pine tree would be added.  Yep, despite his apprehension he never had it so good.  Moving to look at the manger in the soft moonlight that filtered in, he thought about the holy family and knew that he too, had riches in abundance.  Not the type that could be measured by wealth, but rather those measured by the depth of their care.  His riches were currently all asleep in their beds, which was exactly where he was headed.

The next morning started out much like every other, but Heath knew it wouldn’t last.  By nine a.m. the team was ready, ropes were supplied, and Nick and Heath were off to the farewell chants of: “We can’t wait to see that beauty and bring her back in one piece this time Nick.”  Heath decided he’d ask Nick to tell him that story later.  Waving goodbye, the warmly bundled brothers rode back to where they had been the day before, making better time, as they weren’t hampered by the big wagon, as they only had a logging wagon this time.

“There she is Heath.  Would you look at that.  I do think this is the best tree we ever had,” Nick exclaimed.

“Sure is a beauty, all right, Heath agreed. How do you want to handle this?”

Deciding to move the team nearer the side they were to cut on, the brothers marked chopping locations and set to work, the steady flow of the axes pounding out a rhythm of their own.  It wasn’t long before the tree was felled, landing within a foot of their desired location.  They next took the sturdy ropes and wove them through the lower, stronger branches, in a crisscross pattern, that afforded maximum leverage with what they hoped would be the least amount of damage.  Both met at the trunk end, gathered a rope and hauled the tree to the logging wagon.  A they were hefting the tree aboard, Heath took the opportunity to ask Nick what the story was behind the broken tree comments.

Nick laughed, as he revealed, “Lets just say I took a detour, and Jarrod and I had to go get another tree.”

“I think I’d like the complete version, brother Nick,” Heath replied, then stayed silent.  He knew most people wanted to fill the silence and he knew that Nick was no exception, in fact, as far as Heath knew, there was no one more ready to jump in and fill up the silences, as Nick.  He was correct.  Nick’s ears reddened, and although he kept busy with the ropes, a sheepish smile tugged at his lips,  and he began talking.

“Well. It was a very cold year, one of the coldest, and I was very cold.  I told Jarrod that if we went over talus hill, which isn’t steep, we could save an hour.  Jarrod disagreed.  Oh how he disagreed, but I was adamant.  Finally Jarrod admitted he was cold as well and we took my improved route.”

Glancing at Nick as he paused, Heath noticed that his entire face was red.  This must be some story, and he couldn’t wait to hear it.  “Go on,” Heath prompted.

“Don’t be so impatient, boy!” Nick replied, then broke down chuckling.  “How ridiculous.  You impatient, is one of the funniest things I think I’ve ever heard.  Anyway Heath, it was nothing but trouble from the start.  Jarrod was standing at the rear of the wagon, trying to keep the tip up, when he tripped and fell in a squirrel hole.  As he yelled I swept the team around, which caused the tree to slide, and broke off the top.  About a foot to be exact.  Jarrod found this so funny that he forgot his ankle.  We checked the tree over, and decided it was still fine, so we changed positions and I let Jarrod drive the team.  When we crested the hill, we both looked at one another as the mistake we made registered.  The weight of the tree and wagon began pushing on itself and it picked up speed like a runaway horse.  Jarrod risking life and limb, jumped from the horses back and unhitched the wagon, while the team reared in panic, as the wagon and tree hurtled down at them.  As he freed the team, they took of to the hills like possessed demons.  Then you know what happened?” he said, eyes dancing by this time.

“No.”  Heath was spellbound, but enjoying the embellishing Nick was adding just like a typical fishing story, where the fish grew with the telling.

“Well Heath, that tree hit a bump and took off straight down the mountain, throwing the wagon from under it, and leaving it broken and battered, in its wake.  Its branches shredded as it plummeted full force toward the bottom. Jarrod was trying to run after it, but since falling down the mine shaft he  was having trouble with his ankle.  Next thing you know.........”

“Didn’t you say it was a hill, and a squirrel hole?” Heath interrupted merrily.

“Whatever!  As I was saying, the next thing you know, Jarrod and I reach the bottom of the mount umn.. hill in different manners.  I ran but Jarrod tumbled end over end til he landed in a heap beside me.  We looked at the tree, if you could call it that to find that over ten feet was gone, and the remainder was in toothpicks.  We picked up every toothpick we could find and took them home to Mother, who being the gracious lady that she is, sent us back out the next day.  Guess I don’t need to add that we went around the hill this time.”

“Toothpicks, Nick!” Heath was gasping and totally out of control. “Come on!”

“Well I guess it was really about four feet tall, by the bottom of the mount umn.... hill.  Anyway we were laughing so hard, mostly relieved that the horses were okay, and each other survived that the sight of the little tree all torn up was hysterical.  We caught the horses, picked up the questionable tree. And just went home to face the music.  Lord but Jarrod had fun at my expense that night, continually saying I told him not to do it, over and over, and over.  So now you know!  Let’s just get this tree home and in one piece,” Nick said as Heath continued to hold his sides envisioning them decorating toothpicks for Christmas.  

 Today might not be so awkward after all.   Heath was still inwardly chuckling when they arrived home.  He wasn’t surprised to see Audra rush out to greet them, calling, “Mother, Jarrod, its here and in one piece.”  This reduced Heath to peals of laughter again.   Jarrod joined them and commented that it looked in one piece, as he helped them untie the tree and move it through the front door of the house.

Victoria had already laid sheets on the floor in an effort to make moving the large tree easier and help with the cleanup of the fallen pine needles.  Jarrod had made the crisscrossing planks with a large steel rod, in the center to anchor the tree in place.  It took over an hour for the three men to wrestle the tree into an upright position and place in the foyer.  It was magnificent.  It stood almost fourteen feet tall, and after trimming only a few branches it was the perfect conical shape.  Its tip reaching for the heavens, and its lowest branches sweeping the floor in another cloud of green.

“I think Jarrod has picked out the loveliest tree ever,” Audra said gaily.

“I must agree with you dear” Victoria concurred.  “It will look lovely when we decorate it.  Let’s have a bite of lunch first, then begin.  Shall we?”

“Good idea, I’m so hungry I could eat a bear,” Nick agreed leading the way to the dining room. 

Taking their places Nick began telling of the trip home with the tree at Victoria’s request, while Silas brought in ham, potatoes, beets, bread, and peaches that had been put up late in the summer.  Heath decided that this was the fastest eaten lunch in history, as the family made hasty work of devouring the delectable dishes displayed before them.  It seemed that lunch was a necessary evil, before the tree trimming could commence, and they all wanted it over as soon as possible.  He didn’t even get to savor the peaches before Silas was clearing the table and the rest of the family were pushing back their chairs and moving to the trunks that still rested in the hallway.

Lagging behind, as he had decided on a last bite of peaches, he found them removing wooden boxes from the one unopened trunk.  The few remaining items, Audra and Jarrod were taking from the already looted trunks.  Moving the boxes to the foyer was a procession in itself.  Each box was placed in a particular spot, and again Heath knew this was another long standing tradition.  

Beginning to slip around the corner and retire to his room, or go for a ride, he wasn’t sure which, he heard Victoria call, “Heath, where are you?”

“Coming Mother,” he replied, turning and coming  in the entryway.

“Oh there you are, she said, her voice lowering, as she added, while patting a chair, Why don’t you sit by me?”

“I was hoping....Audra stated, while giving Nick a conspiratorial wink, so he wouldn’t feel slighted, when Victoria interrupted with “No, I’d like Heath to myself today.”

Heath detected something in her tone, that brought memories surfacing with the sound.  Memories of Rachael admiring a new dress in front of his mama, then turning away, her face showing feelings of shame at her good fortune.  His mama’s reassuring voice telling Rachael that she deserved a new dress, and would look lovely in it, and how happy Mr. Milliken would be.  Rachael replying yes, but I feel so guilty having a new dress.  Guilt.  That was it.  Victoria was feeling guilty.  But he could also see Rachael and his mama hugging as they shared in the good fortune of one of them.  He needed to help his mother get over her guilty feelings. 

Moving to the chair beside her, he took her hand and whispered, “Thank you for making this so special for me.  I think I had the best time getting that tree with Nick.. I haven’t laughed so hard in ages.  So what’s the next step for today?”

Certain she was going to say that they would put on the ornaments, he was amazed as she catalogued the whole day.  This tree decorating sounded like areal undertaking.  As he looked up, he realized, that while they had been conversing, the decorating was in full swing.  Nick was perched on top of a ladder, and even then could barely anchor the chain of silver glass beads.  He was slowly working them around the uppermost branches and sloping them toward the bottom of the tree.  As a passing thought raced through his mind, he chuckled, immediately drawing every bodies attention.

“What’s so funny?” Audra wanted to know.

“Yes, do tell, brother Heath,” Jarrod added.

As Nick started to chime in, Heath silenced him with, “Nick, this may be one thing you don’t want to know about.”  He then explained that he envisioned Jarrod beginning at the bottom, while Nick continued from his present location, and when they reached the middle, there was one row that was bare.  Nick would then be ordered to redo the entire top half just to make ends meet.

“The banister.  I see,” Jarrod laughed.  “Yes that would probably happen.”

“And of course it would be all Nick’s fault,” Audra put in.

Nick stood on the ladder, hands on his hips, emphatically stating, “That isn’t funny.  Everyone with two eyes knows Jarrod was wrong, but still I didn’t make waves.  I just redo mine so he can feel superior.   Well I tell you....”, he said, but as he glanced at the four below, helplessly holding their sides, he laughed, and cautiously lowered himself into a sitting position, so as not to fall and end the merriment with a broken neck.  Finally everyone calmed down, and Nick resumed his downward stringing.   Only occasional muffled chuckles still reached his ears.

He was enjoying hearing his younger brother laugh, even at his expense.  Heath had been quiet, even more so than usual, and Nick was concerned.  He thought Heath seemed more tired than usual as well, but that could be put down to anything.  Lack of sleep, excitement, or the start of an illness, but he knew if he brought it up, there would be hell to pay.  Heath would be furious if Mother questioned him on Nick’s say so, or tried to curtail his activities.  Also Heath was right.  This extra holiday work was causing backlogs in the ranch work that needed to be done.  He needed Heath’s support to catch up.  He currently had Heath doing a little extra work, now that the nights were short, so he could spend an hour working with Lightning.  God but he was a magnificent beast.  Heath had done a wonderful job of breaking him, but training was very time consuming, and Nick wanted him to live up to his full potential.  Lightning!  The name fit.  He could tell, when he named the stallion that Heath was hoping for something else, but he didn’t utter a word, and for this he was thankful.  Lightning!  By far the quickest horse he’d ever had the pleasure to ride, both in speed and reasoning, hence his name.

As he continued stringing, and he figured he had one more row, before he could hand the beads over to Jarrod, he mentally reviewed his Christmas list, and hoped that heath would be as happy with his gift as he had been with Lightning.  Making a special note to again mention how much he admired the stallion to Heath, he handed the beads off to Jarrod, and jumped from the ladder, drawing a gasp of dismay from his Mother.

“Nick!  Must you do that?  You might miss one year.”

“At least this year I’m not wearing my spurs,” he reminded her as he moved to kiss her cheek.

Smiling up at Nick, she said, “Lovely job, as always.  I love you.” and she squeezed his hand as he moved to help Jarrod.  Heath smiled at the exchange and tried even harder to blend into the wall.  He didn’t want to draw any ones attention, and he hoped they would allow him to passively participate in this.  So strong was his desire that he was wearing no boots, so he could move without sound, thinking this might allow him more freedom to slip away occasionally.  He noticed that Jarrod was expertly entwining the slim beads amongst the tree branches, and Audra was not in sight.  Come to think of it, neither was Nick.  Thinking that maybe he could slip away for a bit, he backed into the dining room and headed quickly to the door on the other side, when he stopped as he heard Audra and Nick conversing.  Drawing nearer, the faint voices became more distinct. 

Not wanting to be noticed, clashed with not wanting to eavesdrop, and as he tried to figure out the best way to retreat with out rejoining Jarrod and Victoria, he heard the door open and Audra say, “Remember Nick, Heath mustn’t know.  I don’t want him upset.”

“I know Sis, I know,” was returned in Nick’s exasperated voice as Heath darted behind a curtain.  He watched as Nick followed Audra back to the foyer chattering happily with each other.  He had no idea what the conversation was about, but the words hurt.  Tapped into his deepest hidden fears.  What would he be upset about?  If he would be upset, shouldn’t he know?  So much change, so many unanswered questions.  Wanting nothing more than air, but realizing that with Audra and Nick back he would have to return, so he headed back to the foyer, taking as long as possible to get there, and helping himself to a generous portion of Jarrod’s whiskey on the way.

“Heath, Audra said, as she saw him enter, I need help”

“What do ya need?”

“Help me put the candles in the candle holders, and then check the clips.

Heath said, “Fine!” and Victoria glanced up at his abruptness.  He’d been quiet but not abrupt.  Looking at Heath and Audra working together, it seemed like everything was fine.  She knew he loved his sister and the task, while boring, wasn’t hard, so he shouldn’t feel out of his depth.  She thought that this was causing his pensive quietness and greater need for time alone, but even after almost a complete year, she really didn’t have a full concept of his moods.  Time was making it easier, but still he occasionally threw her.

She still had so much to do this year, and a lot of it pertained to him.  She didn’t want him to feel left out, so she needed to complete his stocking so he could hang it when the family did.  It wasn’t ready yet, and she had asked Audra to tell Nick they wouldn’t be hanging them as usual today.  She wanted his done first, so she figured she would be spending the night sewing.  She also needed to shop.  As far as she knew, only Jarrod was finished.  Audra still had gifts to buy, and Nick and Heath hadn’t been near shops for weeks, so she doubted that either of them were done.  Tomorrow would mark the seventeenth.  Time was running away from her this year, and she needed to focus.  This was becoming a very rough Christmas for her, and it was because of Heath.  He reminded her of Tom.  Without being aware, many of his mannerisms were the same.  And brood, Heath had nothing on Tom there.  Then that half smile would appear and again Tom was with her.  Heath wasn’t the problem, but she missed Tom deeply, more this Christmas than any other since the first year after his death.  She would give anything to have Tom here for just this one Christmas.  To see him again, hold him, refresh his presence in her mind.

“Jarrod, what...,” she snapped, as she heard his questioning voice, but not his words.

“I was saying Mother, that the beads are on.  Do you want to do the candles or ornaments next?”

Oh damn!  Ornaments.  Heath wouldn’t have any.

“Candles, Jarrod.  It must be candles!  Are you finished with them yet Audra?”

“Almost Mother, about ten minutes.  Heath is a great help.”

“That’s great dear.  I think I’ll get a cup of hot cider, could you help me Nick?”

“Uh...sure,” he said surprised by the demanding look in her eye, that he knew meant there was no way to say no.  Trailing her into the kitchen, he met Jarrod’s upraised eyebrows and shrugged.

“Mother?”

“Quiet, Nick.  We have a problem.”

“What is it.  Can I help?”

Her agitation showing she snapped, “Quiet!  Let me talk.  You’re as bad as Edna.  Nick, how can we put up ornaments?  Heath has none.  I didn’t think.”

“Lord, Mother, none of us did.”

“I need suggestions.  We can’t all come discuss this, as that will make him suspicious and then everything will get worse.”

“You’re right of course.  Jarrod, Audra, and I each have a box of ornaments, one a year since we were kids.  You have a box of ornaments that were yours and fathers.  I know that there were a couple special ones of fathers.  How about we give Heath one of those, since it will be from his father, then Audra, Jarrod, and I can each pick out one of ours for him so he has one from each of his siblings.  That will make four.  We each also have a lucky horseshoe.  I can go get one of those.  There are a lot of those freshly made.  He’ll never know.   We can tie a ribbon on it real quick, so he can hang it.”

“That sounds like a great idea, and a brilliant way out of this mess.  Do you think Audra or Jarrod will mind giving up one of their special ornaments?”

“No.  I know I would be pleased for my brother to have something to remember me by, and I’m sure the others will feel the same.”

“Nick, can you secretly tell Jarrod and Audra, and have them get you an ornament each, and also take care of the horseshoe?”

“Sure.  I’ll also get a box, so it looks thought out.”

“Thank you Nick.  Your quick thinking just saved us all a lot of pain, and Heath a lot of heartache.”

“No problem.  Anything is better than the thought of Heath having nothing.”

“I agree Nick, I agree.”

“Yep, Gal might get run ragged over an oversight like this.  Just be glad that our quick thinking saved a horse,” he said, to lighten her mood, as he moved to carry out the plan.

He quickly took Jarrod aside, then Audra, and explained what each needed to do.  They both readily agreed, and took great pains to surreptitiously locate, remove, and hand to Nick, the requested items.

While all this was occurring, Heath, oblivious for once, was busy clipping the dainty multi colored candle holders to the tree at it’s highest branches.  He was also wondering what the star would look like and how Jarrod was to get it on the top of the tree.

“Heath, that’s plenty up top.  We need to make sure the tree is evenly covered or else it doesn’t look right.  I think for next year we will need to buy more candle holders.  Could you help me in the middle section now?  I’m having trouble reaching.” Audra said, while she, on tiptoe, continued to liberally cover the bottom two thirds with candles.

“Sure, Audra.  Mother said the star is next.  How does Jarrod get it up there?”

“Father gets credit for that Heath. As the tree got taller each year, it got harder and harder to get the star on top, so he developed a star hanger.  It’s some tool you loop over the star, then it extends, so you can get it placed with out falling off the ladder. Actually a bad fall is what caused him to invent it.  He was laid up all Christmas and for the two days following.  I think that was one of my favorite Christmases, don’t you Jarrod?”

“Yes I do.” Jarrod responded.  “We spent the next three days in his bedroom.  When I look back, I realize he thought he’d ruined Christmas, but he played games, we camped out in his room, he told stories, we even all ate together in his room.  Remember?”

“It was special Jarrod.  We were so close. I was seven that year.”

“Do you remember the cider?” Nick jumped in. “I do.  Silas kept it warm all three days.  I loved it and drank it at every opportunity.  The second night after you had all fallen asleep, Father spiked it with whiskey.  I felt like such a big man.”

“I remember that,” Jarrod laughed. “You strutted around, so proud.  I realized my little brother was grown up that night.”

“Sounds very special,” Heath said, his tone wistful.

“What did you do when you were seven at Christmas, Heath?” Audra questioned.

“I’d rather hear about your Christmases since I’m part of this family now,” Heath responded.

“They were all so special. I can hardly pick which ones to tell you about.  Sometimes it was the gift

that made it special, like the year I got my first pony.  Other times it was being together as a family.  Once what made Christmas special, was the sharing with others.  Do you remember that year Mother?  I was twelve I think.  The floods came on the twenty third, leaving eleven families homeless, everything they had destroyed.  You and Father took in six families and we shared Christmas with them.  Our food, gifts, everything.  I remember picking out toys for three of the smaller girls from my own room.  How their faces lit up when they got their presents.  Giving to others that year was what made Christmas special.”

Victoria moved to Audra and put her arm around her shoulders.  “You are special my dear.  Your kindness knows no bounds.”

“Enough reminiscing for now,” Nick said.  “Time for the star Jarrod.”

As he replied, “But of course,” with a bow to the ladies, Heath walked by Audra and quietly whispered, “See, you are a lighthouse” which left her grinning and Victoria confused as she had overheard the passing remark.

As Jarrod unwrapped the glistening silver star, made of highly polished filigree, Heath watched, his thoughts once again warring with each other.  Anger, sadness, frustration, jealousy.  Each one coming to his head one after another.

Anger at so much.  Could he ever explain his seventh Christmas.  He was cleaning out stables until five p.m. since it was a slow day as everyone was home with their families.

Sadness that overflowed.  He’d never had the opportunity to help another during the holidays.  He would never share their memories.  What had he missed?

Frustration that the feeling never went away.  When would the uneasiness end?  When could he freely share his past, without destroying them?  Why couldn’t he force Colleen’s Mother to accept him?  What were they hiding from him?

And Jealousy, the pettiest emotion he knew, and right now it was the strongest.  He wanted to be the one putting on the star!

He refocused on Jarrod as he hooked the ornate star on the end of a pole.  He then climbed a few steps up the ladder and began extending the pole.  It didn’t take him long to center the star over the top of the tree and lower it into place.  As he unhooked the pole with a deft flip of his wrist, the star settled more deeply over the tip, and Jarrod climbed down.  As one the entire family stared at the star.  It was breathtaking. 

Each was lost in their own thoughts, when Jarrod managed to put into words, the question Heath wanted answered and the others all knew from experience.  “It will light the night sky once again as the candles glow is reflected from all its points.”

“How soon can we light the tree?”  Heath asked, sounding happier than he had in days.

Funnily enough, each person interpreted his tone differently.

He’s finally content, Audra assumed.

He’s excited, thought Jarrod.

“He’s planning something sneaky, Nick guessed, while Victoria right on target, saw and heard her two sons, as children voice the same question in the same eager tone.

“Heath, I’m sorry, but not yet son.  We still need to put on the decorations” Victoria said in a choked voice, as tears threatened to fall, for a little boy who was eager, and being told no.

“Decorations!  It looks right nice to me now.”

“Oh you haven’t seen anything yet.  Until the decorations go up it isn’t truly our tree,” Jarrod began to explain, then stopped abruptly remembering their conversation of the other day.

“Could you explain why, Jarrod?” Heath asked, adding, “I really want to know.”

“Since you asked, Jarrod said pointedly, we each have been given one decoration a year since birth.  It’s a tradition of ours, and as we put the ornaments on the tree it becomes more and more ours, since each ornament holds a memory of a year in our life.”

Grabbing his boots, and heading straight out the door, Heath went directly to the stables.  He should have said he’d be back later, but couldn’t get the words past the lump in his throat.  His chest was hurting as the long forgotten but very familiar constricting band tightened with each step.  If that wasn’t enough, he felt like he’d been punched in the gut.  Making his way blindly to the barn, and Gal’s side, he hastily began saddling her, then in frustration un‑cinched the saddle, letting it fall to the ground. Taking only his saddle bags he mounted bareback in a swift fluid motion, and rode quickly from the barn.  Turning toward George and Edna’s he didn’t give a second thought to why his family was frantically waving to him from the porch.

Tradition.  Tradition.  Tradition!  The word closed in on him with every mile Gal covered.

Without knowing how he got there, or why, he realized he was standing in George and Edna’s barn, fingering his gift to Colleen.  They were to meet tomorrow, and he was going to give her this then, but he couldn’t wait.  Not after today.  Now, right this minute, he would begin a tradition of his own.  Putting her gift in his saddle bag, he mounted and rode directly passed a stunned George, without even seeing him.  He headed to Stockton.   This time he rode directly to Colleen’s house, and let Gal rest under a tree as he quickly looped the reins around a low branch.  Striding to the door, he knocked.  Mrs. McDougal opened the door and seeing Heath, began to close it, and was shocked when he braced his hand firmly against the outside, not allowing her to complete her task.

“Heath, get your hand off my door,” she barked.

“Colleen, I need to see you,” Heath yelled.

“You’ll not see the likes of her.  I forbid it.”

“Colleen!” Heath repeated, as he stared, blue eyes darkening and freezing as he looked at her mother.

“Just a minute, Heath. I’m getting my coat,” Colleen said clearly.

“Colleen McDougal, you’ll not leave the house with this man.”

“I will Mother, and that’s final,” Colleen said, taking Heath’s outstretched hand, as she shot her mother a glare as heated as Heath’s was cold.

“Colleen, I said no,” Mrs. McDougal repeated in a much more subdued tone, while Heath, his elation showing as Colleen defied her mother by choosing him said, “We’ll be right outside, and I promise she will come to no harm.”

As they turned, they heard the door close, not slam as expected, and Colleen said,”Do you want to sit in the swing, or take a walk?”

“Your choice.”

“The swing then.  Mother can see us, and I want her to know how I feel.  Have I said I’ve missed you?”

“Not today,” Heath answered.”This is the first time I’ve seen you today, she responded, lightly slapping his arm, how could I have told you today?”

“Then tell me now.”

Linking her arm through his and standing as close as possible, she lifted, what he felt were impossibly red lips, and said, “Heath, I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.   Couldn’t wait for tomorrow,” he said, lowering his face and bringing their lips together.  The one kiss was tender beyond words, and as they broke apart, their need for each other showed in their eyes.

Mrs. McDougal, watching from a window as predicted, realized at that moment she had lost her daughter.  She also understood that Heath would only be pushed so far, and Colleen’s temper was unparalled.    As she wanted to see her grandchildren, she decided to begin being welcoming.  He was a Barkley after all, and very good looking in a brooding sort of way.  It may not have been the banker, as she hoped, but Colleen could have done worse.  She turned from the window and began cooking.  They would be cold and need something to warm themselves with.  Hot chocolate.  Everyone loved hot chocolate, and she began making enough for three.

Heath pulled Colleen down beside him on the swing and just sat, holding her close.

She relaxed fully, against him and could feel the tension in his rigid posture.  As she sat with him, she felt the muscles relax as the tension eased.  The last time she had seen him truly relaxed was at the harvest festival, during the pumpkin carving.  Since then, even if he seemed fine, his back muscles were tight.  She could feel it every time she hugged him.  She could see it through his shirt. Hopefully the strain he felt would disappear with the holidays.  She had never wanted for anything, and had not been able to shake the picture of a young boy without a stocking.  It had broken her heart when he confided in her and she had vowed on the spot to make it up to him.  A her mind drifted, she relaxed even more, enjoying his well muscled body keeping her safe, the musky smell of him against the cold air, his warm breath caressing her hair as he spoke.  He was speaking.

“Heath, I was wool gathering.  What did you say?” she asked impishly.

“Well if that’s all the attention I’m worth.....” he bantered back I’ll just leave before giving you your Christmas gift.”

“My Christmas gift!  Really!  Where is it?” She began looking around, then seeing nothing large she said, “is it in your coat?” and began searching his pockets.

“Stop!” he chuckled, halting her hands progress.  “I’ll go get it.”  As he stood he realized he would need to untangle her.

Laughing at his bemused face, she said, “ Have I mentioned that I adore presents?”

“I’m beginning to get the idea.  Now sit down and be patient.”

“Patient!  I can’t,” she said, moving to follow him.

“I promise you Colleen, if you don’t sit there and wait......he began, then looking at her flushed exuberant face, he relented with, “alright, come with me.”

She jumped up and grabbed his arm as he moved to his saddle bag.  She was practically trembling in anticipation as he undid the leather bindings. Laughing freely at her eagerness, he reached in and handed her a leather pouch.  “Go on.  Open it.” he coaxed.

Fumbling with the drawstrings, she replied imperiously, “My hands must be cold sir. Could you assist me?”

“Certainly my lady,” he said bowing and opened the bag and placed the contents on her upturned palm.  “It’s nothing much. I ....” he began, when she laid two fingers across his lips top silence him.

“It’s...” he began again.

“It’s , she interrupted, the most delicate piece of craftsmanship I’ve ever seen, and perfect for me.  You would think that it was made just for me.  Where did you find it?  It must have cost a fortune.”

“I......” he started again.

“Look Heath, it’s perfect.  It will be the prettiest ornament on our tree.  Finer than all the glass blown German ones mother has.  The Celtic cross of Ireland on the front and an angel in flight on the back.

Where did you find it?  I can’t wait to hang it?  Well Heath, answer me.”

“How can I. I can’t get a word in edgewise.” he said, thoroughly amused by her chatter, and astonished by her reaction.

“Heath!, she said, stamping her foot, this had to have come from San Francisco.  When did you go, and why didn’t you tell me.  Oh, maybe you had Jarrod pick it up!  Wait.  If you did that, you can keep it.  I don’t want a present from you that someone else picked out.  You remember that Heath Barkley.”

“Colleen, be quiet,” Heath’s raised voice stopped her in her tracks.

“What Heath.  Are you okay?”

“I’ve been trying to tell you that I made it for you.  It didn’t come from one of those fancy stores.  It’s really just a little thing Colleen.”

Two emotions were battling with each other at his announcement and she couldn’t decide which to unleash first, the anger or the awe.  Finding she could no longer stand, she sank to the ground as tears poured freely from her eyes.

“Colleen, I’m sorry,” Heath said, kneeling next to her, unsure of what to do.  “I can get you something else.”

With that she grabbed his coat and sobbed into his shoulder.  The only thing that Heath could figure out, was that women must like crying on shoulders.  First there was Audra and now Colleen.  Having no  idea what to do to ease her obvious distress, Heath, was ready to go get her mother, when he heard

her words.

“Heath, I am so angry with you I could just scream, and you have no idea why. Do you?”

“I admit, I’m a little lost right now,” he said, his voice very confused. 

This brought a small chuckle and she looked at him.  “Ready for a lecture Mr. Barkley, because you’re about to get an ear full.”

“Maybe I should be going, “ he quipped, rising.

As her hands grabbed him in a death grip, refusing too let go, she pulled him back beside her s she explained, “No Heath, I am thrilled beyond words with the ornament.  I meant it when I said we had no finer.  Then to find out that you carved it yourself, well, the craftsmanship, effort, and detail are outstanding.  I can’t believe you can sit there and say it’s just a little thing, she said mimicking his tone.  That makes me so angry I could slap you silly right now, or perhaps smash a pumpkin over your head, or trod on your toes!  Heath, I’ve never received anything that means this much to me.”

An incredulous, “Really?” reached her ears, and irritated at the pigheadedness of this man she said “Really!!!” and stormed into the house slamming the door.

Entering, she looked at her mother, and saw hope etched on her face.  Hope that the slamming door meant it was over and they wouldn’t be seeing Heath again.

Her mother was hopeful, but one look at her daughters face told her it was far from over. Despite her red eyes her bright green centers were sparkling with a light that boded fireworks to come and ill for the man outside.  Thankful she wasn’t in Heath’s shoes, she returned to the kitchen and checked on the chocolate.  He would be in soon.   Men followed her daughter everywhere.  For some reason this bored her daughter.  Maybe there was hope yet.  Returning to answer the knock that was sure to come, she thought, yes, there it is, as she heard heavy footsteps on the porch.  Waiting for the knock that was sure to come, Mrs. McDougal gasped as the door swung open and Heath stepped boldly inside.

 “There you are, he said, advancing on her daughter.  It seems you forgot something outside.”

“What might that be?” Colleen asked, smiling, but remaining seated.

“That would be my thank you.  Now we can go outside and take a walk, or you can deliver it here.” he said as he stopped directly in front of her.

Extending her hand, he took it and effortlessly applied upward pressure causing her to rise from her chair.  She eagerly fell into his arms, kissing him and saying “Thank you Heath, thank you.”

As her mother stood shocked, not so much by the kiss she was witnessing, but rather at her fiery daughters capitulation, she decided to get the first step over with.  “Would you both like a cup of hot chocolate, and a light snack? I have an assortment of seasonal breads, cookies and marzipan.”  For some reason that she couldn’t fathom this reduced them both to fits of laughter as they fell on the couch together.

While trying to control himself and catch his breath, Heath managed to say, “Yes. Thank you ma’am.”

This caused Colleen to redouble her laughter, thinking of her mother offering Heath a repast.

“Colleen, control yourself. This is a very unladylike display, and we will talk later.  Now you must entertain your gentleman caller.”

It was to much for Heath.  He broke up again, promising himself that after this one last comment he would be the perfect model of decorum.  He leaned over and whispered, “You want to entertain me by being my counselor again?”  He then schooled his face, as he did in poker, to show only a polite smile as Colleen smacked him on the shoulder saying she would get even soon.

Mrs. McDougal carried out a platter of treats and three steaming mugs of hot chocolate and placed them on the low serving table, then seated herself primly on the leather chair directly opposite the pair.

“Looks delicious ma’am.  Did you make them yourself?” Heath said imitating Victoria making her Thanksgiving rounds.

“Yes, Heath, I did. Help yourself.”

“Don’t mind if I do,” he replied, taking a piece of cranberry bread.  Realizing that she was watching him expectantly he took a bite and stated that it was the finest cranberry bread he had ever tasted.

Looking very pleased, Mrs. McDougal said, “I’ll wrap you up a loaf, so you can take it home.”

“Thank you. That would be very kind.”, he said, helping himself to the hot chocolate and wondering how he had ever gotten himself into this situation.

Colleen too, was thinking, as her mother nattered on about bread recipes and awards, that Heath was the most mercurial man she had ever met.  He allowed her to feel all ranges of emotion, and she never tired of it, but to go through four in the course of thirty minutes was almost to tiring to think about.  Definitely feeling giddy, she knew this would last a lifetime. 

She turned to look at him and her gaze drew his eyes.  As they met she held up the ornament that she refused to relinquish, and a shared understanding passed between them. He would be carving one a year for the rest of his life.  He had his tradition.  Smiling gently, her eyes questioned, and he nodded.

“Mother.” Colleen said.

“Yes dear?”

“I’d like you to look at Heath’s Christmas gift to me, then I’ll need a moment of your time before he has to leave.”

“Gift?  Is that appropriate, Colleen?  I hope you........”

“Mother,” she said sharply, extending the ornament.

Colleen watched expectantly, and Heath with trepidation, as her mother inspected it closely.

“I’m very sorry dear, but it wouldn’t be proper for you to accept a gift this valuable.”

“Mother, Heath carved it himself.”

“Colleen I refuse to hear.......himself......Heath, you made this?”

“Yes Ma’am”

“The inlay Heath, its silver,” she said awed.

“No ma’am, that’s just a fine piece of wire inlaid throughout the cross design, and outlining the angels gown and wings.”

“I notice that the angel has dark hair.”

“Yes Ma’am,” he said blushing, while Colleen smiled more than her mother had seen in the past five years.  Gone was the boredom, and she had Heath, Tom Barkley’s bastard to thank for it.  Well if anyone said a word against him in her presence, she would snub them completely. Her earlier transgressions forgotten, she said, “You’re right Colleen.  We must hang this.  It needs the perfect ribbon.  Heath will you be okay by yourself while we go pick out exactly what is needed?”

“I really should be getting back,” he remarked, thinking of how he just raced out of the house.

“Not yet Heath.  It will only take a minute,” Colleen said, eyes pleading.

“I still have to wrap the cranberry bread,” Mrs. McDougal added.

“I’ll be fine.”

“We’ll hurry,” Colleen added, picking up on the hesitancy in his voice.

Heath took the few minutes they were gone to observe the interior of Colleen’s home, as this was his first time inside.  The home looked lovely and although he couldn’t see the rooms they disappeared  in upstairs, he could see the parlor and the foyer, with the hint of other rooms through partially opened doorways.  Boy Howdy, but greenery must be the thing, as every where he looked it adorned their house as well.  They had a lovely tree, about nine feet tall, and decorated in silver and green.  The sofa he was on was richly covered in brocade, and there were two large wing chairs surrounding the mahogany table he’d just been served from.  They had pictures on all the walls and an Irish cross over the front door.  The liquor table looked well stocked, and the fireplace inviting.   He was hoping that he would be able to spend more time here, when they reappeared, all smiles.

“Heath, come with me,” Colleen said, taking his hand and leading him to the Christmas tree.  “I would like you to see where it will hang, and the ribbon mother chose to hang it with. 

The hole in the ornament was threaded with a delicate silver ribbon that accentuated the silver toned inlay.  He watched as she and her mother moved around the tree looking for the perfect spot.  Finally after moving three ornaments around, Colleen stretched slightly and hung his ornament on a branch about five and a half feet high, at almost perfect eye level for everyone entering the house, then she moved by Heath’s side and just stood by him as they both gazed at its beauty.

“I never knew it would look so good,” he said gently, now I must leave, and he added for Colleen’s ears only, the abrupt way I left, I know I’ll have to face the music when I get home.”

“If it means I got this lovely present today, rather than later, I can live with you facing the music,” she giggled.

“Thank you for the refreshments, Mrs. McDougal,” Heath said taking the offered cranberry bread and heading out the door, Colleen on his heels.  She walked with him to Gal, and watched as he placed the bread in his saddlebag.

“Colleen, I know we were to meet tomorrow instead of today, but would it be alright with you if we skipped tomorrow.  I figure I’ll be paying a big penance, and I still need to see George and Edna.”

“Of course, Heath, and thank you.”

“One more thing Colleen.   If your mother gives you a hard time and you need me, I want you to come straight to the ranch.   I can take care of things from there.”

“Heath, I promise, I’ll be fine, but thanks for worrying.”

Smiling he mounted and left, missing her dreamy gaze as she made her way back inside.

With each passing mile, as he neared his home, his tension grew.  How was he going to explain his leaving like that? The only good thing he could find was that the decorating would be finished and he would have avoided all the remember this, and wasn’t it special when, that he knew the entire family would have engaged in.

He was totally unaware that as soon as they realized he was leaving, they stopped decorating the tree and decided to wait for him.  Audra went to work on the wreath for the front door.  Victoria brought out the stocking material with the intention of completing it, hopefully before he returned.  Nick would return to home based ranch work and be the lookout, while Jarrod headed, full gallop, into town to attempt to find another ornament or two, so Heath would have more than just the four.  Audra had made a special request and he was going to try to fill it as well.  All four were feeling very pleased with themselves, when they each completed their tasks before Heath returned.  Jarrod had just arrived and was showing Audra and Victoria the ornament he purchased.  Victoria had just finished putting away her sewing basket and laying Heath’s stocking with the rest of the families, when Nick came in saying, “He’s coming.  At least he didn’t stay out late like he occasionally does.”

As they prepared to greet him, Heath curried Gal, spoke to Charger, in an effort to delay entering, then slowly headed for the house, excitement over seeing the tree finished and dread over his reception, causing his stomach to begin clenching again.  He didn’t even make it to the door, before it was opened and they were pouring outside to greet him.

“There you are, Nick said, we still have work to do and we were waiting for you.  Where did you go so fast?”

“Work, I thought that.......he began, only to have Victoria cut him off with, “Why, the tree decorating of course.  You left before we could really start.”

“But I thought..”

“We guessed what you thought,” Jarrod spoke this time, a friendly smile on his face.  “Heath, could I see you in my office?”

“Sure Jarrod, but first, I shouldn’t have left like that.  I’m  uh..well I’m..”

“Sorry Heath.  We know.” Audra supplied kissing his cheek.  “Go see what Jarrod wants, then we need you, so hurry.  You know how Jarrod can go on, so hurry him up as well.” she said with a twinkle in her eye.

“Sure.” he said as he followed Jarrod from the room.

“Heath, Jarrod began.”

“Jarrod, I’m really not in the mood for a lecture.  Can’t we just skip this?”

“A lecture.  You’re worried about a lecture.  Do you really think I’d lecture you?” Jarrod said his temper rising. Then he saw Heath’s smile and the humor hit him.  He was already in lecture mode.   Chuckling, he said, “Sure Heath.  I only wanted to tell you one thing anyway.”

“Go ahead.”

“Don’t assume the worst Heath. You didn’t let me finish earlier today before you took off.  We care, trust us, please.”

As Heath hung his head and twisted the buttons on his sleeve, Jarrod heard a muffled “I know.  I didn’t give anyone a chance.”

Smiling at Heath, Jarrod said “Let’s rejoin the others.  By the way Heath, they don’t know what I wanted to say.  It’s just between the two of us.”

“Thanks,” he mumbled as he reentered the foyer, complete with the huge undecorated tree and the grinning faces of his family.

Jarrod however, hung back, feeling the guilt of his duplicity with Heath.  If Heath hadn’t left they wouldn’t have been ready, and Heath would have felt just like he expected to.  Hopefully having everything ready would help ease Heath’s obvious discomfort over the Christmas holiday, but was the reward worth the lie, that could never be spoken of in Heath’s presence.  If Heath ever found out the reaction would be severe, he felt.  A fleeting thought brushed the edges of his mind as he lifted his head.  Lowering it to try and recapture the brief glimpse of what he knew was very important, Jarrod abruptly turned and closed the door to his study, as the feeling hit him full force.  He didn’t want to lose his brother!   Helping himself to a double shot of scotch, Jarrod returned, determined to have a wonderful day enjoying Heath’s company.  To his delight it seemed that Heath was enjoying himself, but they hadn’t started decorating yet.

“Jarrod, finally,” Nick thundered.

“Heath dear, Victoria began again as if he had never left, each year we put up the decorations that are our families memories.  Jarrod wanted to give this to you earlier, but I think I’ll do it now. We have what I hope will be the start of your own additions to the family tree,” she said, as she handed him a box.

Looking up with a question in his eyes, she said, “Go on, open it.  Just be prepared to listen to a lot of explanations for the next few minutes.

As Nick, Jarrod, and Audra crowded close, Heath, hands visibly trembling, opened the wooden box. What he saw took his breath away, and while the trembling grew, and his eyes glistened, the constricting band loosened, and he felt included.  Jarrod had said trust, and at this moment he would lay his life on the line for the few shiny trinkets that lay nestled in the box.

“Heath, please remove the red satin ball,” Victoria prompted.  As he withdrew the requested object, she said,”I think you should have this.  Your father had returned from a trip to Colorado, and we didn’t have extra money, as it was all going back in to buying more land.  He however had purchased this set of ornaments, saying that it was the perfect set.  There was one for us and one for each of our future children.  We never had the fourth child Heath.  I am sure that it was fate.  You are that fourth child, and you should have the ornament that we have saved all these years..It’s from your father Heath, and now it’s yours.

Heath kept turning the red ball around and around in his hands, head down, taking in the lace applique Christmas trees that trimmed it.

Before he could try to formulate an adequate response, Audra said, “Now look at the angel Heath.  I realize you might think she’s to feminine for a man, but she was given to me by Dad on my thirteenth birthday.  He said she was to guide me and represent my guardian angel as I grew.  I wanted you to have something of mine and I picked her because you were guided to us.  Every year when you hang her, please remember that you are loved, and have your own guardian angel. May she watch over both of us, as you watch over me.”

“Sis,” was all he managed to say as she leaned down and hugged him.

“Now take out the silver sword,” Nick’s loud voice instructed, and Heath was grateful, as it helped change the tone from overly sentimental, to more businesslike.  “When I was seven or eight, I played Sir Lancelot, having great adventures, rescuing damsels in distress, slaying dragons, and taking on the world.  I want you to have the sword now.  Since you came here, I, given time have discovered that having a little brother is an adventure in itself.  You have lived many adventures, and being part of this family is your latest.    You deserve Sir Lancelot’s sword.

Heath couldn’t get a word out, before Jarrod started in.  “Heath, the miniature champagne glass is from me.  It was to celebrate my graduation from college, but I would rather you have it, to remember

me, as your brother, toasting your arrival. You are very special to me.”

As Heath looked up trying to find some words, any words to utter to express how deeply touched he was, Silas said, “Mrs. Barkley, if I may. I would like to give Heath an ornament as well.

“Certainly,” she said, somewhat shocked, but hiding it well.

“Heath, I’m not one for speeches, but since you’ve come you have given me a reason to cook food I hadn’t had since I was a child.  You’ve helped me early in the morning when nobody else was around.  You’ve shared yourself with me.  I want to give you something in return.. I had Mr. Smith from my church carve this.  I’ve told you how fine he is at carving.”

Heath took a small wooden hand painted raisin bread loaf from Silas’ outstretched hand.

“How perfect, Audra exclaimed, may I see it?”

Not really wanting to share, but knowing he must, he handed it to Audra to examine, then pass it around for everyone else to see.

“Silas. Audra is right.  It is perfect.” Victoria said.  “I had no idea you and Heath spent so much time together.”  What other secrets was he hiding?  George and Edna, money, Colleen, Silas. Each had to be pried out of him.  Each person listed seemed to admire the man he was.  Hopefully Christmas would help him open up and trust the family with his thoughts and concerns.  Even Nick still occasionally remarked how he would realize by a look on Heath’s face that he disagreed with a plan

on how to handle certain aspects of the ranch work, but it would take hours to days to get him to say what he thought should be done.  It was almost as if Heath thought that if he caused a problem they wouldn’t let him stay with them.  Resolving to give it more thought later, Victoria stood and announced, “I have this years ornament for each of you.”

“Jarrod, I’m giving you a  miniature steam engine to signify your part in keeping the railroad off of our neighbors land.  You deserve recognition as you not only stood up to them bodily, you fought them with the pen as well.”

“Nick, for you a German blown glass peach and almond, to show your forward thinking on the ranch and to symbolize our two new orchards.”

“Audra, you get this stained glass cross. As you have tirelessly devoted yourself to the orphanage, bible classes, and helpful deeds.  I am proud of you.”

“Heath, I can’t say why, but Audra insisted on this being your ornament, so you get a lighthouse.”

Each of her children were thrilled with their ornaments for the year, and Heath even went so far as to kiss Audra, before gruffly saying,  “I forgot to feed Gal when I got back.  Be back soon” Once again he was out the door before anyone could utter a sound, but this time they let him go happily, each knowing that he needed a few moments to gather his thoughts so he wasn’t completely overwhelmed.

Lucky Gal!  Heath thought as he restocked her food.  “You know girl, in that house is the finest set of ornaments and body has ever seen, and guess what?  They’re mine.  I tell you, you ain’t never seen anything so fine in all your life. Not even that new saddle I bought you is as grand as those ornaments.  Boy Howdy, but I can’t even get a descent thank you out before I choke up.  Gotta get back in there soon, or they’ll still be sitting there, waiting for me before they start decorating.  Reckon this tree might never get done.  Well here I go Gal.  Reckon as soon as those ornaments are up, I can eat.  I’m real hungry.  You go on and eat your supper and I’ll go get mine, he said, once again dragging his feet back to the house.

The last time it was in fear, over the pain he caused them, this time it was in fear of being able to maintain the precarious control he had over his emotions.

The sight of everyone decorating the tree was a joy to see.  They were laughing and talking amongst themselves and he heard snatches of do you remember, and this was the best year because, just like he knew he would, but this time he didn’t mind.  He had his own ornaments.  An entire box of them.  Picking up his box he hung his ornaments in the places he thought they would look best. It took him as long to hang his six as it took the others to hang eighteen or more, a he carefully examined each one in detail, making sure that they were ingrained in his memory.  He needed memories. Always had.  They kept him warm when the world turned cold.  They gave him focus and hope.  Right now he felt as cared for as he ever had.  But he never knew when fate would change and memories would be all he had.  Fate was very unpredictable.

When everyone was finished they picked up the boxes and carted the trunks to the guest bedroom.  Dinner would be next, then after dinner they were going to light the tree.  He couldn’t wait.  Everyone was full of anticipation.  The tree lighting signaled the official start of the Christmas holidays.

The family gathered in the parlor for pre dinner drinks, with Audra and Victoria enjoying a sherry, while Jarrod took a scotch from Nick’s hands allowing him to pour Heath and himself their customary whiskeys.  The conversation was light and Heath found it easy to join in, as they discussed this Christmas, the ranch, the delivery of the stockings to the orphanage, and what games they would play if any that night.

When Silas announced dinner, Victoria looked to Heath, and allowed him to escort her in.  Audra smiled, as she was sandwiched between, as she said, her two handsome dark haired brothers. 

As they made their way to the dining table, Heath quietly said, “Thank you for the ornaments.  I don’t rightly know how to tell you what this means to me.”

“I think I understand, Heath.  Tom would be so proud, as am I.” she assured him with both her words and a hug.

Taking their places Heath watched, overwhelmed once again, as Silas started them off  with French onion soup, then brought out roast beef, potatoes, gravy, caramelized carrots, onions, bread and baked garlic.

Heath’s emotions, already having been through the wringer, couldn’t take the overabundance of food as well.  He vividly remembered, as a child,  climbing into bed hungry, night after night.  Even the soup before him would have been a meal in itself, and then it wouldn’t have been as rich, or contained as much onion, and it never would have had cheese.  Cheese was to expensive. He knew he couldn’t explain how he felt, as they had never wanted.  Just as they couldn’t explain stockings to him and have him understand.  Experiences were gained by living through them, you just couldn’t tell someone and have them understand.  They could do all those words Jarrod said, like sympathize, and empathize, and commiserate over, and feel for him, but they could never understand.  Today he was to blessed to eat.  Could he explain that?  Not likely.  First he saw Colleen, then her mother allowed him inside her house, they didn’t chastize him when he came home and had deserved it, they gave him ornaments and a place to belong.  How could he tell them that too many good things, often led to bad, or that he couldn’t have all this and all the food as well, and not feel guilty for all his Mother’d suffered.

God, he was still just holding the spoon and everyone else was almost done.  He needed to share some of his good fortune with his mama.  She said Jesus fasted.  So would he.

“Excuse me.  I need to go take care of something,” he said pushing back his chair.

“Heath, you need to eat.”

“This is more important, but I’ll be back shortly.  Wouldn’t miss the tree lighting for anything.”

“I’ll have Silas make a plate for you,” Victoria said, as he left his bewildered family once again that day.

Heading out the back, he briefly caught Silas’s eye in the kitchen.  Silas gave him a slight nod and Heath was certain Silas understood.  Then again Silas had gone hungry.  They had spoken of it.

 Changing his mind, he reversed direction and headed up the back stairs to his bedroom.  He quietly closed the door and opened the bottom drawer of his dresser.  Reaching all the way in the back, his hand finding the location by instinct, he withdrew a faded picture of his mama.  Sitting at the foot of the dresser he then reached into his pants pocket, opened his wallet, and removed the scrap of quilt he had left.  Running the small square of fabric through his fingers, he felt the familiar lines of stitching that held the pieces of the four dresses together, and talked. *Oh God mama, I miss you.  I wish you were here tonight.  They are wonderful, the house looks gorgeous, the tree is the finest thing you’ve ever seen, but I’d trade it for you.  You should have had this mama.  You deserve it. You had to take care of me, give up your chances at happiness for me.  You were a true lady, like Mrs. Barkley is.  You deserve this, not me.  Anyway mama, let me tell you about the tree.  It’s a good fourteen feet if it’s a day, and so green you’d think you were still in the middle of the forest. They’ve got tons of candles in those pretty colored holders all over it, and silvered chains of glass beads.  There are over eighty ornaments of all colors on the tree.  And the star, mama, is so fine.   When it’s lit, I just know it will look like the stars in heaven.  I bet it reflects all the colors they have on the tree.  Colors mama.  So many different colors.  Just like this family I have now.  Each is an individual.  A color of their own, but together they blend the strengths of the individuals into a magnificent portrait just like the tree.  So many colors, mama.  You would be green, like the tree.  There isn’t any green.

He was still sitting in the dark holding on to the picture and the scrap of material when he heard a discreet tap on his door.

“Mr. Heath,” Silas whispered, they’s almost finished with dinner.”

“Thank you Silas” he returned and quietly replaced the picture in the drawer and the material in his wallet.  He then rejoined them in the dining room for coffee.

“That was quick,” Nick remarked.

“Yep.  Didn’t figure it would take to long,” he said.  “Coffee sure is good.”

“Probably feels real good to you.  Warm, after whatever you did outside,” Audra said, fishing for information.  “It’s getting colder nightly.”

“Think it will freeze?” Heath asked.

“No,” Nick responded. “Probably just keep up with this infernal raining.  I’m sick of it.  Couldn’t believe it started again just after you got back.  From the looks of the clouds, it will keep this up for days.”

“Reckon you’re right.  Guess we’ll be wading again.” Heath added.

“Well, I for one, am going to work from home for the next week.  I don’t fancy the idea of riding back and forth in the rain, and I don’t want to miss out on the family time before Christmas, by staying over in Stockton,” Jarrod said.

“Oh good, Jarrod. That’s wonderful news.” Victoria exclaimed.

“I know I’ll be happy too.  I bet I can find lots of worthwhile projects for you to do,” Audra dimpled.

“Wait a minute.  I did say I’d be working,” Jarrod replied, grinning back at her.

“Can we stop this conversation and go light the tree now?” Nick asked.

“I’m up for it,” Heath happily put in, and Victoria was once again struck by the little boy enthusiasm and wistfulness in his tone.

Unable to deny him anything, when he sounded so young, she decided to forgo her second cup of coffee, and said, “Let’s do it right this minute.”   Rising she led the way to the tree.

“Finally!” Nick said as enthusiastically as Heath had a moment before.

Pulling out a package of long fireplace matches, Nick handed one to Jarrod and one to Heath.  Each lit the matches and then began working on a different section of the tree, lighting the candles from the top down, as Audra and Victoria watched carefully for any hint of a misplaced candle that might start a fire.  As the men reached the bottom, Victoria said, “You and Heath did a wonderful job.  Not one candle had to be moved for safety reasons.”

“May I extinguish the lamps now Mother?” Audra asked.

“Of course, dear,” she said as Jarrod, Nick, and Heath moved to stand by her.   Just as Audra blew out the last light, Jarrod slipped a hand around Victoria’s shoulder and said “It’s as lovely as always, Mother.”

Victoria replied, “Yes it is,” and even Nick agreed quietly, as if a loud noise would ruin the moment.

Heath’s quiet sigh, caused Victoria to glance at him and thought that in the shadows cast by the flickering candles she saw a little boy that wanted to shout but was trying to behave politely.  She saw Tom.    Every Christmas was this way for him.  He relished the holidays.

“Well we should probably blow the candles out before the tree catches fire” Jarrod said, ever practical.

“Can you wait a minute Jarrod?”

“Sure, Heath.”

“Excuse me then,” Heath said and opened the front door.  They all watched, confused as he went an d stood in the rain and stared at the tree through the window.  They continued to watch, as he continued to stand, getting drenched, for at least five minutes, before he returned and said “Thank you.”

With that, Jarrod and Nick extinguished the candles, while Heath, still wet, moved to the parlor and helped himself to a whiskey.

“Heath?” Victoria questioned.

“Probably want to know what in the world I was doing. Right?”

“The thought crossed my mind,” she said, as she moved to stand next to him.

“I was just getting the answers to some questions.”

“Mind if I ask what questions?”

“Mostly just, does it shine as bright as the night sky.  Can I get you a drink?”

Shaking her head no, she added, “I always find it incredible too.  I don’t want people to talk.  I just want to drink in its beauty.  Maybe next year I’ll join you outside.”

With a huge smile, he said, “I think I’d like that.”

He left to change his clothes and returned as the rest of the family was gathering.

“Anybody up for cards?” Nick questioned.

“We can’t yet son, unless you don’t want to hang your stocking tonight.” Victoria laughed, knowing that hanging the stockings was Nick’s favorite part of Christmas after decorating the cookies.  She knew he was disappointed that the cookies had been ruined, and she hoped to still surprise the family with cookies to decorate, but finding time this close to Christmas would be hard.  Nick and Heath both needed to focus on the ranch.

“Stockings.  Well why didn’t you say so,” Nick responded enthusiastically.  “Where are they?  Can we start now?”

“I’ll get them Nick, can you get the nails?”

“Back in a minute with the nails Mother.  Want to race?” he cheerfully questioned.

“Can I place a bet on the outcome?” Heath joked.

“Only if the good odds are on Mother, and I get a piece of the action,” Jarrod responded.

Laughing, Victoria and Nick went to perform their tasks, Victoria returning a good five minutes before a wet Nick returned from the work shed.  “Well here they are, now where is my stocking?” he said grabbing the pile from Victoria’s hand and locating his.

“Hey sis, here’s yours,” he called tossing it to her.  “Mother, Jarrod, yours,” he said again, as he tossed Jarrod’s to him and handed Victoria hers.  “And this one must be yours Heath,” he added tossing it to him.

“But I don’t.....” he said bewildered as Victoria said, “You didn’t think we’d let you celebrate Christmas without a stocking did you?”

“I didn’t think,“ he said tilting his head to look at it closely.  It was a green satin, the color of the outdoors, and it had a hand embroidered winter scene stitched on the front, of trees, a pond, and a mountain in the background.  It was soft, shiny, elegant, and his!  As he was examining his stocking, Nick was busy hammering the nails into the holes in the mantlepiece.  Heath had always wondered about the holes, but never asked, and now he knew why they were there.

Suddenly, Nick cursed, as he pounded the last nail in the hole.  He removed all the nails he just put  in. Except for the first one, and started over.  It was obvious that he needed to add an extra nail this year and the spacing was off.  It didn’t take Nick long to re do the nails and his face looked pleased at his efforts as he placed his stocking on the third peg.

Heath decided to go last.  They might just have an order to this and he didn’t want his picked up and moved somewhere else. 

Victoria placed her’s on the first nail, and Jarrod placed his between Nick’s and his Mothers.

Nick said “Go ahead Audra.  Hang yours.” when he noticed her confused expression.

“Should I hang mine next to yours Nick, like I always do, or leave a space for Heath since he’s older than me?”

“Birth order, Sis,” Jarrod called.  “You know your always last.”

“Jarrod, on second thought, I think I will keep you busy helping me out with the orphanage Christmas plans,” she said taking the last nail in line.

Heath moved up and happily hung his on the only remaining nail. No errors this time.

“Now the home looks finished,” Nick said.  “Never feels right to me without the stockings up.  I just love Christmas morning.  Stockings are the best.”

“You’ve always felt that way, Nick.” Victoria said, smiling happily at her strong son.  It was wonderful to see him still enjoy a child’s delight, when he was so focused and serious most of the year.  Stuffing his stocking, was always fun for her, as he delighted in every little item.  The more she could get in it the happier he was.  For some reason, dumping it out, all at once, and seeing the abundance of toys and gifts surround him, gave him immense pleasure.  He acted like a little boy just allowed into a candy shop and handed a dollar, picking up first one item, then another, then back again and again.  Christmas and stockings equaled Nick. 

She looked at her family.    Jarrod was pouring drinks for everyone, as he and Nick conversed.  Audra had gotten out her needlework, and Heath was quietly sitting on the couch shuffling a deck of cards.    She briefly wondered what he was thinking and if she would ever hear about his Christmases, or at least more than bits and pieces.  As she stood observing, the room rearranged itself as Nick went and stood by the mantle and Jarrod brought Heath a glass of whiskey as they began to softly converse. 

She moved to talk with Nick and thank him for his help with the ornaments.

“You’re welcome Mother,” he responded quietly.

“Is something wrong?  You seemed so relaxed a few minutes ago.”

“Just curious.  Do you wonder what they are talking about?” he said, inclining his head slightly to indicate Heath and Jarrod.

“I hadn’t given it any thought. I just assumed that it was talk like you and he have, or you and Jarrod do.  Why?”

“Really, just curious.  Sometimes Heath is so hard to reach, and I wonder if Jarrod has more luck getting information out of him than I do.”

“You and Heath are very close, and get on well.”

“Yes we do, but he doesn’t confide.”

“And you do?”

“Point taken, Mother,” he chuckled.

“Give him time Nick. He’s opening up slowly.”

“I know.  Sometimes I just wish he’d talk, you know, not be so quiet, so I knew what he was thinking.”

“Me too, son.  Me too.”

As they shared their drink in silence, Jarrod was asking Heath about the stocking and if he liked it.  Seeing Heath, earlier, run his hands over the stocking brought back memories of another night, a few weeks ago, when he caught Heath holding the orphans stockings late at night.

“Do you like your stocking Heath?”

“Yep.”

“Mother made it for you.”

“Yep.”

There were the one word answers again, and he was tired of them. “Heath, if you’re unhappy, tell me why.” he insisted.

“Jarrod...” he began, then stopped.  Jarrod just waited, not saying a word, then ever so quietly he heard Heath say, “Jarrod, I never had a stocking before.  Can’t believe I have one now.  I think I must be in shock,” he threw in to lighten the moment when he realized what he’d said.  Damn Jarrod and his lawyer tricks.  He didn’t see how anyone ever beat him in a lawyer case.  He could probably get a deaf mute to understand and start talking again, just by looking at him in that lawyerly way of his, and he said as much to Jarrod. 

Laughing at the image, Jarrod probed, “No stocking Heath?  I don’t understand.”

“Nothing to understand.  Let’s pretend I didn’t say anything.”

“If that’s what you want Heath.” he said, wondering if Heath could have been so poor that he didn’t have a stocking, or if Heath was fooling him. Everyone had stockings.  “Well this rain has probably really hurt the levees,” he said, changing the subject so Heath would feel more comfortable, and was pleased to see the look of gratitude Heath flashed his way, as he expanded on the new topic.

Before long, Audra called it a night, and everyone else claimed that they should head to bed as well.

Victoria watched as her three sons climbed the stairs, then taking a good long look at the house, dressed in it’s finery for Christmas, she blew out the lamps, and headed to her own room for a restful night filled with pleasant dreams.

*****End of Part 3*****

Click here to go to Part 4

Return to Jana's Home Page

If you would like to send comments on this story to the author, click on the author's name at the top of this page.