The Gift

Part 3

by Jana

As Heath joined the family for lunch, he could feel the excitement radiating off them.  His nerves grew in direct proportion to their rising enthusiasm.  All to soon for Heath, lunch was over and Silas was clearing the dishes.  Audra had moved to put on her coat and Victoria was on her way to join her.  The good natured chatter continued all the way to the wagon and no matter how hard he tried to drag his feet, the trip was about to begin. 

They all loaded into the buggy, Jarrod took the reins, and headed to the wooded hills south of Stockton, near Moraga.  The ride itself took about an hour and a half.  It  was spent singing Christmas songs and talking about last years trip, where it seemed Audra found the clump of holly with the reddest berries, thus winning the family prize.  They also discussed the criteria for winning this year.  The debate seemed to last forever to Heath, with everyone adding their two cents, and then arguing or agreeing with the others suggestions.  Finally it was decided that the person who could find the largest pine bough for the front door wreath, would be this years winner.  They were also to keep a look out for the perfect tree. Through out the entire exchange Heath was silent.  He had no input of value, so kept his own council, and the family was so involved that they didn’t notice he was silent. 

When the wagon stopped, he uttered the first words, with, “Boy howdy, but this is a lovely area.  Very peaceful.”  Colleen came to his mind.  He would enjoy sharing this spot with her, allowing  her to point out the greenery, and explain things to him.  As far as he could tell, everything looked green.  Hopefully they would pair up and he could watch.  If not, he decided to look for the perfect tree.  One like he had seen through the windows of the grand San Francisco homes.

Taking charge, Victoria said, “Everyone, you have two hours to fill this wagon, and don’t forget to locate our Christmas tree.  Begin!”

Heath noticed, to his dismay, that everyone took off in a different direction, claiming they knew where the winning pine bough was, or the best holly, or a grove of mistletoe etc.....  He had to do something.  He would scout around for the best tree, while staying close to the wagon, so he could see what the others brought back, then go out and gather some of the same.  He felt more alone than he had in months, but they were so excited, he didn’t want them to know how he felt.

Audra came back first, and this saved Heath’s day.  “Heath, I need a brother.  The holly I found is lovely, but to sharp for me to gather.  Could you come and help?”

“Yes,” he said, much more relieved than he had been all day.  As they walked to her location, she explained that holly grew in great bushes, but that her gloves didn’t protect her from the stickers.  His leather work gloves should, and she led him to a beautiful bush covered with bright red berries.

“Heath, pick full branches that are covered with berries. I find those make the house much more festive.”

As he set to work, she said, “I’m going over to the pine grove for some boughs.  Be right back.”

Picking the holly was easy, and he knew about pine trees so he was feeling much more confident when she returned, her arms laden with pine boughs.

“Gather the holly, Heath.  I think that may be enough.  Then help me get this back to the wagon.”

“Sure Sis,” he said, grateful for a job.

When they reached the wagon, Nick was already there piling in arm loads of greenery he had found, and it looked like someone else had been back as well.  He added Audra’s finds as she set off again.

“Pine cones!  Rats, we don’t have any colpar pine cones yet this year.”  Nick yelled.

“I’ll gather some Nick.”

“Great Heath, I want to find the tree,” and off he tore.

Their good mood was infectious and as he had a job to do, that he couldn’t screw up, he felt himself relax and begin to enjoy the physical work, and the beauty that surrounded him.  After gathering a suitable amount of pine cones, and knowing he could not contribute further this year, he found a quiet place to sit and just absorb the winter day.

The calmness of his meditation was broken by the harsh double shots of Nick’s gun, signaling that their time was at an end.  Everyone was excited as he approached the buggy and a spirited conversation kept up the entire trip home.  Jarrod and Nick would occasionally, burst into a rousing chorus of Good King Wensceslas.   

Heath, knowing that he had survived, and had not been asked any questions about his lack of contributions, relaxed with every passing mile.  He tried to learn the words to the Christmas carol, which seemed to be a family favorite.  He personally always loved It Came Upon  a Midnight Clear, and he of course knew Silent Night.  Everyone did, but other than those two his repertoire was sorely lacking.  The ride home seemed to take a fraction of the time that the ride there had taken.  He put this down to lack of dread.  All he had left to face was the decorating and the cookies.  At least left to face today.

As Ciego steadied the horses they unloaded the heavily laden wagon, and on the very bottom was the biggest pine bough he had ever seen.  Jarrod claimed he had climbed a tree to get it, and no one could deny that it was the winner.

 He was crowned King of the Greenery.  Elated he looked at his family, and seeing the question in Heath’s eyes, laid an arm around his shoulder and explained that this allowed him to place the star on top of the tree.

“When do you all put up your tree?” he questioned hoping this would make them think that he had a tree when he was growing up.

“Well, Nick, and I guess you this year, will cut it down, either tomorrow or the next day, and we will decorate it when you both get home.  Is that what you did, Heath?”

Avoiding the question, he responded with, “If Nick usually goes alone, or if someone different usually goes with him, I’ll be glad to stay and keep the workers going.  It must be hard juggling the ranch work, with all the extra time needed for the holidays.  I bet you’re all glad when the season is over and things return to normal.  I know I will be.”

“Don’t be silly, Heath.  I wish Thanksgiving and Christmas lasted all year.  It gets downright boring waiting for the other holidays to roll around, and then they only last one day,” Audra exclaimed.  “This Christmas may be a little different for you, I know it will be different for us, with you here this year and......she tactlessly continued.

Heath stared into the fireplace as Jarrod said, “Audra, go see if Silas has the dinner trays ready, so we can eat while we decorate.”  He noticed that Heath had clammed up at Audra’s words and decided to be more solicitous, explaining things as they went, so Heath would feel included.

“The trays are ready Mother,” Audra said, reentering the room.  Silas says to help ourselves, and wants to know if we need the berries yet.”

“Not yet Audra, lets get the greenery in place first.”

“I’ll tackle the parlor, Mother,” Nick said.

“I want to do the parlor to Mother.   May I help, Nick?”

“Sure, Audra”

“Then Mother, this year you and I get the entry, foyer, and staircase,” Jarrod remarked, beginning to go get the greenery they required.

“Wait, Nick yelled, who does Heath help?”

“Hey Nick, don’t mind me, I’ll just sit and watch you all work.  That’ll make a fun change.”

“Heath, you can help us,” Jarrod stepped in quickly.  “We have a lot to do.”

“No, Audra put in.  Help Nick and I.  Mother and Jarrod make it look effortless, they’ve done it for so long.  With your help I bet we can get done first.”

“Fine.” Heath said, and stayed right where he was, by the fire.

“Audra, Nick said taking charge,  go and get the pine boughs and I’ll get the holly. I wouldn’t want you to get scratched up by the stuff, and it seems to get sharper with each passing day, if that’s possible. I’ll do the mantlepiece and you can do the table we use for the manger.  Heath, you can take the tantalus table.”

As the family busily began to work and hum Christmas carols, Heath picked up a pine bough and watched the others work.  Was it better to try and imitate their efforts, or get talked to about his lack of participation.  Deciding he had better try his hand at greenery arranging, he carefully watched Audra arranging pine boughs on the small table top that Nick had indicated was for the manger.  She placed each one with the stem end in the center of the table, and the widest end hanging over the table in feathery waves.

He had to admit that it looked pretty, and as far as he could tell, Nick was doing just as good a job with the mantle.  He had cleared everything off, and placed the pine branches, as Audra had, on the bottom .  Next he busily picked through he holly and put the branches with the reddest berries atop the pine.  Heath loved the smell and stood fascinated as Nick picked up the silver candlesticks, and replaced them on the mantle, twining holly around them.  He then contrasted the green pine, and red holly berries with clumps of mistletoe. This added a very festive white touch to the decorations, reminding Heath of the Mexican flag.   He placed large pine cones at either end of the mantle.

After deciding that he had watched enough, Heath took the tantalus off the sidebar, and placed the pine boughs a he had seen both the others do, so that,  he too had the soft ends hanging lightly over the top of the table.  He replaced the tantalus, opened the side doors and top, and placed holly all around the ornate box, to add the red that he liked so much.  He then noticed that Audra had used hay in hers as well, but reckoned that was for the manger.  No other reason to use hay, that he could see.

“Uh...Nick, do you just want...”

“I’m busy Heath, give me a minute,” he said as he finished adorning the mirror that hung over the mantle with more of the lush holly.  Now, what did you need Heath?” he said turning.

“Is there anything else you want me to do?”

“Well for starters, we need to get that holly off the table.  It will make pouring drinks a hazard,” he said, beginning to remove the offending holly plants, Heath had just worked on.  “Why don’t you run up to the attic, and get the trunks of decorations out.”

“Nick, I don’t rightly know which trunks you keep the decorations in, or what decorations you want.”

“GET THEM ALL, HEATH.”

“Nick!  Is there a problem?” Victoria said as she entered and began helping Nick remove the holly.

“We’ve just finished the foyer, but need the decorations.”

“I just told Heath to go get them, but he says he doesn’t know where they are.”

“I’ll finish this then.  Nick, you go and get them, and Heath you go with him, that way you’ll know where they are kept next year.”

“Yes Ma’am,” Heath muttered, as Nick called, “Come on then, lets get it done quickly.”

Nick grumbled all the way up the stairs and to the attic.  It was obvious that he usually had to do this job, and it was one he didn’t look forward to.  Stopping at the top stair, he pointed to three trunks along the left wall.

“Those three, Heath.  Get them over here, and I’ll help you get them down.”

Three trunks Heath thought, and all full of Christmas items.  How exciting, he mused, wonder what’s inside them?  Maneuvering the trunks to the attic stairs, both boys began hauling them down.  It took a long time to get all three trunks to the foyer, but finally they succeeded, and all three lids were thrown back.  There were saved pine cones and lovely red ribbons that had been tied into bows.  There were closed boxes, that Heath longed to look inside.  One trunk contained mostly linens.   Audra began with these, while Victoria began twining ribbons around the newel posts and up the stairway.  Nick took the  bows, and anchored them to either side of the mantle.

“Jarrod, Audra called, can you help me?”

“Certainly,” he replied, as he assisted her in opening  a gorgeous hand embroidered tablecloth, covered in green holly leaves and more bright red berries.  They checked it for damage, and then went to the dining room and covered the table with it.  Jarrod moved to the china cabinet and removed an epergne, that was more stately than any other piece Heath had seen in the entire house.  He wouldn’t have even known what it was called if Audra hadn’t said to go get the Christmas epergne.  It must be French, he thought, as he watched Jarrod place it in the center of the table.  They then filled its hanging baskets with pyracantha.  Everywhere Heath looked, the house was transformed.  The change reminded him of Victoria’s birthday, all over again, but it smelled better.  Kind of like the outdoors had come in for a visit.

His thoughts were again interrupted by a family member talking, as Victoria said, “Silas, I think now would be a good time for the berries and oranges.”

“Not yet Mother, let’s do the manger first,” Jarrod said.

“But we always do the berries first,” Audra pouted.

“Yes, Jarrod, we do.  Lets stick with tradition and do the pomander balls and berries next.” Victoria calmly said.

More words Heath didn’t know, but how hard could doing something with oranges and berries be.  He sure was getting an education today.

As the family entered the kitchen more wonderful smells assailed their noses.  Silas was cooking something Heath had never had before, he was sure of that.  It did seem to delight Audra though.  Actually he reckoned anything festive always delighted Audra.  It was part of her charm. 

The family took places around the kitchen table, and broke immediately into familiar teams, just  like a scene from a play that had been rehearsed many times before.  Jarrod, once again, noticed Heath not having a place and motioned him over to have a seat and help him.  It was to be his year for the oranges he explained.  Seeing Heath’s bewilderment at the comment Jarrod launched into a long detailed account of how to make pomander balls, and that it was a tradition Victoria had brought with her when she moved from the South.  He then went on to explain how they gave off a fresh smell and helped add even more color to the house.  Finally, he decided that the had given  Heath enough information to clear up his confusion and not feel left out.  As soon as Heath picked up an orange and the first clove, it became clear to Jarrod that Heath was still lost, as to what he was supposed to do with the two things.

“Heath, let me show you,” Jarrod said, taking an orange and sticking in one clove after another, forming a line from tip to navel. “Just keep doing this in rows around the orange.”

“Sure,” Heath mumbled, still red from embarrassment.   He really hated to let them know that he didn’t understand what was going on.

 Nick, Audra, and Victoria were busily  working on threading berries along a length of line.  As Jarrod and Heath stuck cloves into oranges, Heath watched  the berry chains grow. 

As the work continued, Silas broke in with, “It’s ready now!”

Heath watched as Audra and Nick practically knocked each other over in an attempt to get out of their chairs and over to the pot on the stove first.  What in the world was going on now?

As they pushed each other, they accidentally knocked Silas into the trays of sugar cookies laid out for decorating later that day.  The trays spilled breaking most of the cookies.

“Now look what you’ve done Nick,” Audra yelled.

“Me, you shoved me Audra,” Nick said his voice rising dramatically as he glared at her. “I love decorating those cookies”

“Children!  Silas and I can bake another batch.  Quit fighting and be more careful,” Victoria warned.

 Only Heath was thankful for the accident.  He would not need to decorate cookies today.

Audra and Nick promptly forgot the cookie fight as Silas cleaned up the mess but resumed their original squabble.

“Audra, I’m first this year.   You don’t get to go first!” Nick complained.

“But I got here first,” she responded reasonably.

“That’s only because you sat closest to the stove,” Nick grumped.

“You could have.”

Agreeing grumpily, Nick said, “Don’t just sit there everybody.  The pudding must be stirred.”

Jarrod clasped Heath on the back and steered him to the stove and the bubbling mixture.  Heath really thought he could find the stove himself, and wanted Jarrod to just leave him alone.  He was sick to death of being spoon‑fed information, led, and coddled.  What he really wanted to do was escape.

“Heath, Jarrod began, it’s tradition to stir the Christmas pudding, then when its served for Christmas dinner, what ever charm comes in your piece, is supposed  to foretell your future.  Just stir it once like Nick and Audra do.  We each get a turn.”

Heath noticed right off that he had could stir it his own way.   After watching Audra delicately move the spoon around clockwise, counting to five, before handing it to Nick, who stirred it any number of times, til his arm got tired, he realized that how it was stirred couldn’t be a problem, but rather that it must just be stirred.  Victoria confirmed this by only rotating the spoon, once around the mixture.  His turn was up next.  He took the proffered spoon and repeated Victoria’s once around the pot stir, then handed the spoon to Jarrod.  Smiling, Jarrod took the spoon, moved up, and stirred the grey stuff himself.

Each person, then returned to their labors around the table, as Heath watched Silas wrap the stuff in cloth and pour whiskey all over it.  Lord but Christmas would be different.  Looking around Heath realized that he had been busy.  There was a large pile of oranges and Jarrod was getting a silver bowl to place them in.  As he listened to Jarrod’s explanation, he realized that even the bowl was a special one that was always used.  The berries seemed to be done as well, he reckoned, since everyone had quit working on them.  There were strings and strings of them.  What did they think they were going to do with all of them?  He knew he would find out soon, but he was not sure he wanted to know.    The time came sooner than he thought.  As he rose, to stretch his legs, Victoria said that they should get the berries strung up.  With that they all headed for the foyer.  Jarrod stood and picked up the bowl containing the oranges, as Nick and Audra brought the berry strands.  As he had nothing to do, he just observed, which if truth be told, suited him just fine.  Heath watched in fascination as Jarrod centered the bowl of oranges in the middle of the marble entry table.  What was it he had called the oranges again?   Then Nick, coiling a strand of the berries like it was a lasso, climbed to the top of the stairway.  Jarrod took the other and repeated Nick’s motions, but stayed at the bottom.  Both started looping the cranberries around the already decorated banister, intent on meeting in the middle.  The cranberries wine red truly added charm and vibrancy to the entryway, and he had to admit that the bowl of oranges, pomander balls, that was the term, was already putting out a spicy scent.  The orange was a nice color too.

This peaceful moment was interrupted by Nick shouting “It’s the same thing every year Jarrod.  You just never get it right.  Well the last two years I had to redo mine.  This year you redo your string.”

“Brother Nick, mine are once again placed exactly in the middle of each opening and spaced evenly.  The two inch gap is caused by your reckless lack of care.”

“I’ll show you lack of care,” Nick spat as he started to undo Jarrod’s carefully woven strand of cranberries.

“Nick.....” Jarod said , only to be interrupted by Victoria, who demanded that the usual bickering be stopped.  Looking at Audra she said, “Next year we’ll let those two handle the mantle and we’ll take the staircase.  Nick, redo your section please.”

Heath slipped back out of the room, and headed to the sideboard to have another bite of the ham log.  The ham log  was also a tradition, Silas had informed him.  As he ate, he could hear the bickering continue.

“Mine’s fine, It’s Jarrods that’s wrong!”

“Nick,” Audra said calmly, knowing it would provoke her brother.  It  was one thing she had learned from Heath.  “You know your wrong!  Last year you made us measure and you still had to redo yours.”Audra smiled, as Jarrod laughed.

What a wonderful family he had.  They could bicker, fight , and yell, and still be the closest knit group of people he had ever known.  It reminded him of the Three Musketeers  story his mama told him.  One for all and all for one!  Generally this thought comforted him, but not this time.  This time he thought of another story his mama and Rachael brought to life.  A Christmas Carol.  He was Scrooge, observing the well worn rituals of time as they  moved past him, and feeling powerless to intervene.  Like the scene Rachael told, of Scrooge, watching a happy dance at a party given by his first employer but unable to join in and be part of the warmth and closeness he felt.  It really wasn’t worth thinking about, he told himself.  The holidays would pass and next year, he would know what to expect.  As he ate, his melancholy grew and he eventually became aware of another presence in the room with him.  Jarrod!  Of course, it would be Jarrod.  He didn’t even need to turn around to confirm it.  Ever since he told him about the money, he had been trying to assuage his guilt by being extra careful of his feelings.

“Well Heath, we were wondering where you escaped to.  Were ready to do the manger.  Now this manger is very  special to all of us.  It’s Mothers, from when she was in Arkansas.  Her sister Gail, gave it to her on her wedding day.   She explained that it was an unusual wedding present, but she didn’t want them to be separated at Christmas, and knew how tough it would be on both of them. The nativity was to remind Mother of Gail’s love for her, and of their reliance on Jesus to get them through the tough times.  It was also to remind Mother, when she looked at it, that while they may be separated by mileage, they would be together in heaven.”

Touched by the story, but tired of Jarrod’s voice, Heath said, “Jarrod, enough!  Stop playing catch up over the money issue.  You don’t owe me anything.  Go be with your family.”

“You are my family, Heath,” Jarrod quietly stated.

“I agree.  I just need time Jarrod.  Time to get this all worked out.  Solicitousness is great when I’m soliciting, but right now I need to do things as I need them done, not as you need them done to appease your conscious.  Understand?”

Gently laying a hand on Heath’s shoulder, Jarrod replied, “I think so.” and guided him back into the family fold just in time for Heath to see Audra pull a closed box out of one of the trunks.  It was gingerly carried to the table covered with pine and straw.  Jarrod watched as everyone seated themselves, either on the floor or on chairs around the mangers resting place.  He could feel the reverence, and wondered if Heath could as well.  Heath had made it clear that he didn’t want any of Jarrod’s input, so he would do what he could to ease Heath’s way without drawing attention to what he was doing.   He doubted it would work, as Heath was very astute, but he would try.  This train of thought passed abruptly as the lid was removed from the box.

“Audra, as the youngest, you place the first figure,” Victoria instructed.

Heath was sure it was this way every year.  He watched as Audra withdrew a very delicate Mary, which Heath found fitting, and placed her under the wooden roofed stable.

“Nick, you’re next,” Victoria said, then glanced up and saw Heath.  She was mortified.  For the last hour she hadn’t even missed him.  She was so caught up in the familiarity of this night that she simply overlooked adding her newest son to the festivities.  How he was faring?  Knowing exactly how Jarrod had felt over his forgetfulness with the money, she tried to think of a rational way to include him without letting him know he had been overlooked.

Nick was placing Joseph on Mary’s left, his outstretched hand indicating where Jesus would lay.

“Jarrod, you next,” she intoned.  He  reached in and gently unwrapped baby Jesus and tenderly laid him in the manger, between his parents.

“Now you Heath,” Victoria prompted, feeling guilty that for one fleeting moment she wished she could have known last year that this boy would come to them.  She would never have another Christmas like last years, and she mourned it’s loss, while rejoicing in the blonde haired, blue eyed child, now reaching in the box as her children had.  Her children had done this since birth.  It was her legacy to them.  The ritual of the manger.  Tom had never been included. It was from her beloved sister Gail.  A closer sister, one could not wish for. It was her past, her family, and she didn’t want to share it with Tom’s son.  Her son, now.  If only this one thing could be kept sacred.

Heath tentatively removed a shepherd from the box, and placed it outside the manger, looking in.

“That’s not where it goes,” Nick said, picking up the figure and moving him to his trusted spot under an awning.

Audra then took her turn, by placing a cow on the right, facing the holy family.  Nick, then removed a kneeling wise man with an offering, which was placed at the front of Jesus’ crib.  Jarrod pulled out the porcelain angel and placed her on a nail over the manger.  Heath, wishing that he could make himself skip his turn, reached into the box and pulled out a wise man.  He placed this one behind the one kneeling near the crib.  It only took him a second to realize that he had put this figure down in an incorrect location as well, as Audra whisked him up and moved him further back.  She then reached into the box and removed the third wise man, which Heath decided must really have been the second, as this was the position Heath watched her place him in.  He couldn’t see what the difference was, but it must be crucial as they were all nodding happily as Nick placed a sheep at the shepherds foot.

 Jarrod then withdrew a camel and centered it off to the right of the wise men.  He did it precisely, hoping to delay Heath’s turn.  He had been watching Heath throughout the ordeal and had seen his face fall with every misplaced figure.  Finally he released his grip on the camel, dreading Heath’s next move.

Then he heard  Heath say “Would you all go on and finish without me.  I’d rather watch if it would be okay?” and he retreated from the circle around the manger.

Immediately as if in a well orchestrated symphony the family all replied at once.

“If that’s what you want, Heath” Nick said.

Audra echoing his sentiments with, “If that’s how you want it,” her eyes alight with undisguised pleasure. 

Even his Mother added, “Certainly dear,” and Jarrod could hear the relief in her tone as she refocused on the manger being erected before them.

Jarrod took a  few moments to grieve for Heath, as the relief was evident.   He had to admit that he felt relieved as well, then he returned to the manger.

Heath looked longingly at the scene, wanting to be part of this tradition, but knowing it would never be so.  He would see to it.  He had known how wrong it was when he had touched that first piece, but somehow couldn’t stop.  He had tried with the second, but once again need won out with the wise man, but this felt better, more right somehow.  Jarrod had let him know early on that he shouldn’t join in, but he knew Jarrod had been unaware.  This was Victoria’s families.  He might be her son now, and he would fight anyone who said different.  Hell he would even defend Victoria to the death, but he was hers at twenty four.  They were hers from birth.  This was theirs.  God how he longed to hold Colleen.  Barring that a stiff drink or four would be comforting right now, he thought as he watched Audra place a camel, Nick a donkey, and Jarrod the final camel.

“Oh Jarrod, it’s perfect, Audra clapped, almost jumping up and down with excitement, almost like last yea............”

Heath heard her voice trail off as her face flamed red with shame, guilt and embarrassment.

“Boy Howdy, isn’t that the nicest manger I ever did see,” Heath cut in to quell her raging emotions, his English slipping back to a time before, when everything wasn’t so proper.  He was as unaware that this happened as the rest of the family, but had Edna been there she would have given Victoria a piece of her mind.

As they closed the boxes that had a few minutes before contained the manger, Heath looked at the family and let his thoughts drift.

Dusk had fallen hours ago and night now blanketed the horizon.  The glow from the lanterns cast a soft light amongst the decorations, and Heath thought that it rivaled every home he’d ever seen decorated, including the Hopkins mansion, in the city of San Francisco.  That night had been so long ago.  Another lifetime.  But to a tired, worldly, eighteen year old, it had been magical.  The tree

must have been fifteen feet tall.  It stretched from the ground floor to the second story, with a shiny silver star topping it and peeking through an arbor window.  It glistened, a myriad of lights ablaze as golden ornaments cast a luster that seemed brighter than the midday sun.  He had sat on the hill outside the house all Christmas eve and through til noon the next day.  He watched as five raven haired children and two parents opened their bulging stockings and gifts.  He sat while the carriages arrived, bearing well dressed ladies and gentlemen, also bringing gifts.  From the joyous greetings, he assumed they must be aunts, uncles, and grandparents.  It was everything he wanted and nothing he thought he would ever have.  When he went back to work that evening, he held the memory as a shield against the cold dirty job of bringing in the crab.  Now he was part of a family, and their home looked much more welcoming than did the home from the Christmas of his memories.  What would their tree be like?  Were there sparkling ornaments as well?  Did they light it with candles that out shined the darkness?  He couldn’t wait to find out, and if he was truly to help Nick get the tree, he could.  Chopping a tree down and bringing it home, was no problem.  He just hoped he wouldn’t embarrass them by not knowing how to decorate the tree.  Once again, watching seemed to be the best remedy to his discomfort. 

His contemplative quietness as they finished for the night, had allowed the family time to regroup.

“Well Heath, we’d better get some sleep if were going to get that tree tomorrow,” Nick said.

“Sure thing, Nick, but I think I’d like to ride Gal before I turn in.”

“It’s late, Heath, the time always slips away when were busy like this,” Victoria added, worried about his being out so late in the cold.  “Anything could happen to you on a dark road.”

“I’ll be fine, and back soon.  Don’t wait up,” he replied, leaving.

“Where do you think he’s off to now?” Nick asked irritated.  “I swear that boy has wanderlust.”

“Might be right Nick.  He does need time to himself.  Let him be.” Jarrod replied.

“It has been a long night children.  Let’s all turn in, Victoria said.  We have another busy day tomorrow.”

“Don’t I know it, Nick groused.  First get the work crews organized, then I go get the tree we picked out, chop it down, and drag it back here.”

“Heath’ll help,” Audra said.

“Help, yeah!  But I bet he’ll be as quiet as he’s been all week.  Wouldn’t surprise me if he isn’t helping George and Edna fancy their house up for Christmas.”

“He wouldn’t.  Would he?”  Audra asked.

“That’s his business dear, as we were forced to concede,” she chuckled, remembering his stubbornness on the issue.  But as they went to bed, where her youngest son was riding weighed heavily on her mind.

Heath was rejoicing in what he considered to be a few moments of freedom.  Gal was picking her way down the familiar path toward George and Edna’s.   He knew nobody would be awake, but just being there for a brief moment, looking over the house he spent hours fixing, and felt a part of, allowed him to retain his old self and merge it with his new life.  He then headed Gal to the one place that housed

  the person, who allowed him to feel  totally at peace during this holiday season.  Colleen’s.  Everyone tried to make things easier. He knew that.   Appreciated that.  Colleen was different.  She sensed his wariness and didn’t try to ease his way, comfort him, or change his mind.  She just accepted him.  Understood his anxiety, but didn’t try to talk him through it, as Jarrod did, or skirt the issue, as others did.  She simply listened.  Lightly jumping off Gal, a quarter mile from her home, so he wouldn’t be heard, he walked to her bedroom window.  It was dark, and he knew she was asleep.  Could he awaken her?  Did he dare?  He needed to hold her, draw on her strength.   Deciding it wasn’t the time or place, he touched her window briefly, then headed back to Gal, turning once more to take in her darkened home, before he returned to his.

Stabling Gal, and giving Charger a carrot, along with a light pat he whirled, startled by the sound of a delicate cough.

“Audra?”

“Morning, Heath.  It is morning you know?” she said, shivering slightly in the damp barn.

“Sure is.  Why aren’t you in bed?” he questioned, as he draped his coat over her shoulders.

“Just wanting to see if my brother made it home,” she said, leaning into his embrace.

“I’m home.  Now let’s both get some rest,” he said, as he steered her from the barn to the house.

“Heath?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you find what you needed tonight?”

His dazzling grin flashed in the darkness, as he replied, “Yeah, and here I am, right where I need to be.”

Stopping and burying her face in his chest, she sobbed, “I’m so sorry.  Can you forgive me?  I didn’t mean anything.”

“Shhhhhh.....honey...shhhhhhh.......” The soothing sounds drifted over her.  “It is different, bound to be, but its good too.  My mama used to say God opens a window every time he shuts a door.  Reckon right now that’s us, as a family, closing doors, but opening windows.  Rachael always added something to this.  Know what she said?”

A choked “No” filled her tear streaked eyes.

“She said doors were dark.  Windows let in more light.  You’re light Audra, bringing joy and sunshine......”

“Tonight Heath, I was a door,” she choked out, as her crying returned in earnest.

“Wrong Sis.  Your being here, waiting for me, is a beacon in the darkness, like a lighthouse to lost ships.  Now let’s go in and get to bed.  I figure Nick’ll need me early.”

She laughed as she realized he was joking.  He almost always awoke before Nick, no matter what time he got in.

“That’s better,” he said, ushering her upstairs.  Hearing her door close, he crept back downstairs and re entered the front door.  Stopping just over the threshold, he allowed himself time to smell the season.  The greenery, cranberries, and pomander balls were refreshing.  Tomorrow a pine tree would be added.  Yep, despite his apprehension he never had it so good.  Moving to look at the manger in the soft moonlight that filtered in, he thought about the holy famil